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Words That Don’t Seem To Want To Come

I had surgery December 7, 2011 in my throat, it was suppose to be a simple dilation, the only difference was it was a new set of ODO doctors and they were going to explore my throat to see how they will be able to help me. During the procedure a series of events happened that have left me unable to capture into words yet how I am feeling. The emotions stream from out of nowhere and I have not processed through them all yet. I came literally this close to saying hello Jesus nice to see your face, but instead I am here. During surgery, I had┬áspasms in my bronchial are and then into my lungs, my thorax tore in my throat, and they had to put air vents on either side of my chest for my lungs so that I could breathe while they were fixing my throat. I spent 11 days in ICU and just got out of the hospital on Saturday. I feel weak, physically weaker than I have ever felt in my life and I am feeling more emotional than I have ever too, so I am taking time to adjust to living life with a trachea. Below is a series of pictures I took, to show you what my body just went through, maybe you can see the emotion on my face, maybe you can see that I am not going to lay down and say fuck this. Yes, I hit a major cluster fuck and it has waylaid my plans, but I am doing pursuing those plans. I will have the trachea for the next six months to a year, unplanned, learning to adjust to it, while they are making a plan for my throat so that I am able to breathe. In the meanwhile, I am still doing my school work, living at home alone, although right now, I do have a nurse that comes in 3 times a week to check on me and show me the ropes of trachea care, and I am allowing my family to aide me too, which is something I am not that great at. I plan on pursuing my blog, writing out my journey, I just hit a major cluster fuck, cluster fuck just seems like such a fitting word for what has happened, despite that cluster, I am foraging ahead anyway. I did not take pictures of all my bruises and wounds. One wound I did not take a photo of, because well, I’d have to show you an intimate picture of myself, and right now I am not that transparent. I have vents on either side of my breasts, one was for the exhale and the other for the exhale while they did the repair on my throat. The funny thing is, it did not dawn on me on how serious this whole thing was until yesterday when I heard my sister in law Kris retell my story to the nurse and she told her about how the doctors had to do this so that they could get oxygen to me while they worked on my throat. I am not sure exactly what the next step in the process will be, all I know is that right now I am learning to leave with a trachea, healing from this latest fight, and learning to love me in a whole new way.

5 Responses so far.

  1. Rhoda Wilcox says:

    Dear Jamie,
    Love you! I am so sorry that life has sent you down this particular road. We don’t know why some of us seem to have differnet types of journey’s in this life, but we do know that there is a time and a purpose for everything. I think that this means that for some reason you need to understand what you are experiencing, not only for yourself but for someone or many others. Your studying psycology! Grieving loss of body parts and body function maybe the art that you will be able to help others to get through their difficult times. You are such a special precious person. Love you bunches!
    Rhoda

  2. Joy Renee says:

    your words are flowing fine sis but you must know it’s normal for it to take some time to process emotions after a serious trauma so patience is your friend

    • Jamie Holloway says:

      I know, it has only been since Saturday since I have gotten home. I am just learning to love and accept my body with the weakened condition it is in now. I took some pictures of the vents on my chest, so maybe I might get brave enough to post those pictures.

  3. Sounds like you nailed your emotions just fine to me!

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