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My Focus

I am amazed how often God brings someone into my life when I am stuck in a rut. The last couple of months I have been in a ditch in my mind. I am an over thinker and it gets me into trouble. It also stops me from accomplishing many things that I want to. One of those things deals with my weight. I get discouraged, because I have to take prednisone in order for my disease to be managed. I hate that drug. I loathe it. It causes me to fluctuate from 5 pounds to 30 pounds in a couple of days. I am currently dealing with the voice in my head that tells me, what is the use? I am sick anyway. I can’t lose weight because of it. I am taking medication that causes me to fluctuate, so why should I be a good girl and eat my veggies. My body is still attacking itself. Other thoughts that go through my head deal with my capabilities, worth, and whether or not I will be able to help people the way I want to.

(Picture taken by Victoria Aguillard, my sister)

At the same time that I am having these negative thoughts, believe me I am questioning them a lot with the tools I have received, still they come to my mind and bombard me. I am also having these amazing dreams about me standing up sharing tools, ideas, knowledge, using my voice in helping those who want to be GROWTH oriented like I am.

I told my friend Summer about my dream and what my heart’s desire is. She asked me what I can do to help. My answer: I have the vision, but the step to getting from the place of my vision to the reality is what I am in the process of doing. Her question sparked a light in my heart and soul. The reason I know that I am meant to share my knowledge and help those with communication and collaboration tools is because I have had several people out of the blue tell me that I need to volunteer or do something in the field of healing. Family, friends, doctors, nurses, and therapist have all said this to me. Even strangers that I do now know, it is time that I listen and start taking the steps in that process.

The first step is on August 1st with getting the T-stent put into my throat so that I am able to breathe. Yes, I will look funny with a cork in my throat. But the way I look at it, it will give me an opportunity to let people know that I do understand what it means to not have a voice and feel like no one is listening. I know what it feels like to have TEAM players not agree with each other and be conflicted with the dysfunction of the group and feeling like a big blob in the room. While everyone else is talking and talking and don’t stop and let you have a chance to say something. When you do say something they look at you like you are speaking Japanese. There are a few people that I can bluntly say you know what I am not happy with that and this is the way I want to do them. Your way is not right for me. That is something I have learned to do in the last few years. It does not come to me naturally.

Everyone feels like they are not being heard, but yet, we have had the biggest communication boom ever. The communication breakdown is not in the technology itself, but in the people who are using them. WE are in such a hurry to get things done that we do not slow down enough to actually hear, smell, touch, feel the things that are around us. WE are concentrated on our own goals, aspirations, thoughts, patterns that WE do not consider how what WE are doing is affecting those around us or how it is affecting US. Slowing down, assimilating the environment we are in, quieting the mind does not happen that often. WE are in a rush to get from point A to point B success that we do not consider that there are a lot of steps in that process. Impatient is a common ailment of everyone. Why do you think God mentions patience in the bible so many times?

In the three years that I have been dealing with different TEAMs of doctors, families, friends, nurses, and daily interactions with people I see a lot of dysfunction in communication and collaboration. WE are so focus on the I that we are forgetting that there is a WE. When Jesus talks about the church being like the body I think Jesus used a fantastic illustration to show what collaboration looks like. It is hard to truly visualize it and I didn’t truly understand it until I got sick and I had to deal with different people and my body and learned how it is connected. Jesus talks about the body of the church in Roman 12 and in many other versus. Jesus called himself the head of the body. The head is important it dictates and leads the body in the functions they are meant to do and amazingly that body collaborates. The other parts of the body are us, even though the parts are different and have different functions they still somehow collaborate to keep the Head moving and functioning and be healthy. That is an amazing thing to actually remember.
That being said, my next focus, now that I am able to manage my disease is to find the steps to get to where I am going. I know that I want to do a day workshop for the Living Ministries committee members that I work with to help us collaborate and communicate effectively so that WE as a whole can do what WE want to. Heal our community. I know that for sure. That means I must talk to Summer, the president about a time and where to have it done. I know what I want to share and do, but a place and willing committee members would be an awesome thing to have. Then I want to find a place who would love to have my service in aiding others with tools, encouragement, and abilities to conquer their doubts and be the wonderful people they are. Those are two things I will get to after my sister Vickie’s visit.

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