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Negative Monsters!

I bet you have been wondering what happened to me. Nothing too exciting I can report in great details about finding a million dollar check in the mail, or flying off to Italy (sigh, I wish) or another great trip to the hospital. Nope, I lost my Internet due to my financial difficulties. Another struggle that I have since becoming ill, choices have to be made and right now having Internet at my fingertips twenty fours a day is one luxury this girl cannot have right now. Do not worry I have a plan. My apartment offers Internet service to their renters. That is how I am hooked up right now. I will be walking to my apartment’s lobby in the evening to hook up and keep up with my blog and other social networks. I have missed not being able to have access to my blog and face book. Yes, I am an addict of the face book nation. I will also be canceling my phone service due to having to get caught up with bills. They offer a free phone to people on disabilities and it is not a lot of minutes so I can’t be the texting champion, nor can I spend hours on the phone chatting with my family or friends. I don’t do that anyway, so if you are family or friend know that I love you a ton, I miss you a ton, and we can keep in touch on Face Book or you can email me. Making hard choices is a must for becoming a responsible adult and that is something I am learning to be.

Instead of hiding under my bed with my cat Nicholas or even being bored out of my mind. I have started taking the opportunities that I do have despite being a chronically ill lady. I have started writing my book, something I have been talking about doing for a while. I started. I have written twenty one pages so far with no Internet service to distract me from what I am born to do. I have not chosen a title; I haven’t even done what expert writers do, making a collage of topics to write about. I am writing about my life with my illness and the lessons I am learning. I want to encourage everyone to be thankful and not feel unimportant or not valued simply because they have an illness. Right now, I am just writing getting my thoughts out on paper. Thoughts and topics come from conversations that I have with people or even from books that I am currently reading. I am just writing. I have after proclaimed myself a writer, so I best get to writing, right?
Something else I have been doing while without the Internet is I have made a routine for my health and life style and I have stuck with it. My days usually consisted with me sitting on my bed with my lap top open to Face Book, Netflix, or even my email page and shoveling food in my face because I am bored out of my mind and feeling sorry for myself. That is all I did all day long, boring right? Yes, it was. I did not feel like I could do anything with my breathing issues except ruminate on how to conquer my negative monster in my head telling me that I am a burden to my family and friends, or that I am useless and pathetic. What use am I anyway? Believe me I am not hitting the tip of the ice burg with what my negative monster says to me daily. I do a lot of combating in my head with the negative monster. I will share my routine. One, I have started writing down everything I drink and eat, my blood sugar, my oxygen levels, and my heart rate in a journal I had gotten for that perhaps. I have had that journal for over a year and I have never even started keeping track of information. I have been writing in it for almost two weeks now. I also love my new water bottle because it has the ounces written on the side so that I know how much water I am getting daily. I am supposed to be drinking a gallon of water a day and I have not been sufficient at drinking that much water a day. Writing everything down is a chore to do, but I also see the benefits of writing what I am eating down, because I am being mindful of everything I am putting into my mouth. Writing my blood sugar levels, oxygen levels, and heart rate is vital for me to keep my team informed of changes that can occur. I am being responsible. I am taking care of me.
I found a great book called “The Artist Way” by Julia Cameron along with her “Morning Pages” journal. While I am nebulizing I am writing in the morning pages and I am working the lessons weekly in Cameron’s book. It is about unblocking your artist with amazing questions to think about and journal about, along with taking yourself out on artist dates, where you do something you enjoy doing that is creative that supports your creativity. I have done the writing aspect, but going out on dates with myself I have not done because I have no idea what I can do since I do not drive and getting around is a challenge for me. I will have a plan before I am finished with doing the assignments.
Also, I am making plans to move back to my hometown of Longview. It is time. I have a great support network there. My friends Karen and Summer will be taking me out apartment shopping and shopping for a new ENT to add to my team. Even though I am anxious about running into Monte and his family, I know that I will be okay. I will survive. I love my life right now. It is drama free, no crazy makers in my life at all. I can breathe and I don’t mean physically, I mean metaphorically. I can breathe. I am not being criticized for being fat, having my breathing problem, the way I walk, talk, move, laugh, eat, think, or be told that I am more like an old lady in how I think. Anyway, I am not going to let Monte stop me again from thinking and taking care of myself. He is no longer in my life and he has no dictation in how I live my life. I am still choosing to take care of me because I am worthy of a good life. Guess what I have one, even if there are ups and downs. It is still mine and I get to choose. How cool is that?
What negative Monsters do you combat daily? How do you combat them?

One Response so far.

  1. I tend to be melancholy in nature and see the negative first, partially because that is how I was raised. I also tend to be a singular person because it is easier to be alone than to deal with other people. 5 years ago I decided that I want to be a people person and I want to be an optimist. With 30 years of the opposite, I can tell you that it is a choice I have to re-choose daily, sometimes several times.

    I have found that the renewing of the mind, spoken about in Romans, is true and with the layers of misunderstanding slowly being lifted away as I bring them to God and say, here You go, please show me what I look like in You, it is easier to notice more quickly when I have gone back to my old understanding and make a new choice.

    I start each day thanking God for the opportunities that He has made for me; which sometimes means that all opportunities I am confronted with are not made by Him and sometimes I need to say no, even if it sounds like a good idea. I also recognize that Jesus is my new identity and as I remove layers of me, I see Him more. Third I remind myself that no matter what, God is for me and He likes me and He always has my back. I also forgive myself for forgetting all of this and allow myself to start over….and each time it gets easier.

    Being a people person means you have to be around people…so I choose to do that, until I need to be alone and recharge. It also means that I must make strong boundaries so that I don’t disrespect people and if they are hurting me, than I must remove them from my life if we can’t come to a good understanding of our boundaries.

    Being an optimist mean choosing to see what is positive in all situations. God works all things into good and sometimes we have to seek Him to see it, but the faith He gives us to follow through is always perfect.

    I live each day to do all I am able to do in that day. Sometimes that list is bare minimum and others, the list is ridiculous but if I listen to myself both extremes are healthy for me and feed my success oriented personality.

    Because I have spent a lot of time in introspection, I understand me, which also helps me understand other humans better too. Both help me give grace and forgiveness tremendously easier than I have ever been able to practice before. I know that this is possible because I have pulled a lot of “me” layers away and more of Jesus is shining through.

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