I decided that I will be meditating on bad nights and self-care. I am not talking about those nights when you are full of emotions because the neighbors just won’t stop playing their loud Twisted Sister records all night and you have to act like Dee Snider and bust through the door to make them stop, I am speaking about those nights when nothing and I mean nothing relieves the pain, inflammation, coughing, or suctioning does not stop at all. I am suffering one of those days, at least the last two days now. I am exhausted both physically and emotionally.
While I am typing this I am sitting on my couch with the nubilzer machine one, hoping that the treatment will thin the mucus enough that suctioning will relieve the pressure. That looks like this, one hand on the keyboard and one hand holding on to the device. I probably look cartoon character. Each treatment takes at least an hour to be done. I hate it. It is annoying, but I know that it helps me so I do it anyway.
Bad nights happen; things happen beyond my control, what do you do? There are always two choices, scream, kick, moan, bitch, and make your life and everyone else around you miserable or you can just allow yourself the extra space, loving care to care for yourself. I know that this week I have pushed myself extra hard with extra doctor appointments, making sure that I do not have to experience yanking out my t-tube again, and just getting things done. I forget that I am not a healthy woman, that my body cannot be pushed beyond what I can do.
Making a self-care plan is important, even if I have to say to someone no, I cannot do that today. No, today I have to physically rest is okay. I can’t feel guilty or shame for what I am not capable of doing.
Thankfully, the nebulizer treatment has worked no clogs. I am excited about that, I still feel exhausted. And for the rest of the week, until Monday when I got interviewing for a new ENT for the Vancouver area I am going to rest and move slow. No marathon racing for this girl.
What does your self-care look like?