Deep Thinker I Am
Reasoning, thinking too much and too hard causes me great confusion and headaches. Does it you? I come from a family of thinkers, especially logical thinkers. We have to ask questions, have everything make sense to us so it can fit in the compartments of our minds. When it doesn’t we become indecisive and cannot make a decision. I love and admire my father, he was an amazing man who took a teenage girl and accepted me into his own tribe. I know that I drove him nuts when I would make fast decisions and did not take my time to make those choices. It drove me nuts with the amount of time it took him to make a move. Many times when I was awaiting his decision I felt like I was waiting on a slow moving chest move to take place. Frustrating! Yet, I admired him because he made some amazing choices, especially with his finances that I wish I would have learned while he was still walking on this earth. Now he is walking with Jesus. I am sure my dad loved me deeply and even admired my quick way of making choices at the same time he could not understand how I came up with the decisions I have made just like I couldn’t understand how it could take him so long to make a choice.
One thing I do know for sure is that life is and especially when God is incomplete control is illogical and unpredictable. When I first got sick I worked my brain trying to make the pieces of what my body was doing make sense. Especially when it came to getting the results from blood work, when 20 or different positives for diseases came up out of nowhere more than once. How does that make sense to a person who is a reasoned thinker? My body still does not make any logical sense. I cannot put what I am experiencing into compartments. And man oh man; there is so much information about food choices, medications, and life style changes that can have your brain turning into an exhausting river of confusion. Or even if I am capable of doing what my ultimate goal is, becoming a counselor so that I can encourage and help those in my position out. The most frustrating of all is when I deal with people who say that I use my illness as a crutch. I do not know how to make someone understand that I am not able to breathe. That I have a subglottic stenosis, whatever that means? I get looks of you are pathetic or what a bunch of shit. It hurts me deeply, especially when it is a friend, family member, or someone that is supposed to be working to help me. I am supposed to be teaching people how to breathe, if I don’t understand it myself how am I supposed to be showing others? The act of breathing is something we do so naturally without even thinking about it. I have to think about it. It is something that is on my mind daily. It is something that I have to manage and maintain in order for me to be able to do anything. Breathing takes a lot of work when it does not come easily to someone. When you think of the act of breathing what comes to your mind? When you see someone huffing and puffing or having a trach or t-tube what is the first thing that pops into your mind?