What Doesn’t Kill Me
“What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” Albert Camus
I am getting stronger with each obstacle that I am facing or have faced in the last four years. I should have died several times in the last two years. First was in 2010 and the second was in 2011, but I didn’t. I don’t feel stronger. I feel tired, weak, incapable, and most of all lousy. Is that the reality?
The reality is I have not had a chance to heal fully. I have had three surgeries in the last 6 months. Most recent was in August and then again in September. I am exhausted.
While reading week three in “The Artist Way” Cameron says “The essential element in nurturing our creativity lies in nurturing ourselves. Through self-nurturance we nurture our inner connection to God.” How am I nurturing myself?
First, for the last week I have been working out, not full blown, but I am doing what I can and not beating myself over the fact that I have a hard time keeping up. I have been continuing eating healthier. Choosing vegetables and non-garbage type foods to sustain me, too feed my body as I heal. Healing is a long process that does not happen overnight. I want to be able to snap my fingers and magically be able to take flying leaps through the air while singing “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” at the top of my lungs. I cannot do that; perhaps someday I will get that chance. For now, I spend my days healing. Healing is lonely, healing takes time, healing takes solitude, healing takes self-reflection, and healing takes an extreme amount of patients. Being patient is not one of the qualities that I have. For others, yes I have it, but me not so much. Nurturing oneself takes patients. To reach the place of what healing looks like for me I have to methodically and slowly walk down my road doing what is necessary to keep on breathing.
Have I gotten stronger since my journey with Vasculitis? If I could I would scream a YES at the top of my lungs, but that is something I am not able to do. Still I am thankful that I can still use my voice.
That being said my life is not always easy, full of adventurous joys and pleasures. I have my challenges, such as, finagling finances, keeping myself occupied, and writing. I have found in my solitude I am doing a lot more writing, more than I used to.
I have not pursued school any further, due to some complications. First facing surgery head on and I knew that my body is not going to recovery as quickly. Due to the medications, my illness, and the numerous surgeries my body has gone through recently. My goal is still to get my master’s in counseling, so that I may help others with problems such as I face the challenge with amazing tools, but I keep waylaying myself. I am not sure if it is the negative monsters in my head that are stopping me, or if is that fact that I am sick. Or if I am using being sick as an excuse to not pursue my dream, my assignment. Fighting constantly is exhausting. I feel like I have to be on guard all the time waiting for the next time I to yank out the t-tube and go in for another surgery. Waiting and resting seems to be what I am supposed to be doing right now, but I hear Walden School calling my name. I have had their number for quite some time and it is time for me to make that call to them and see about starting again. I got my internet thing taken care of, so why not. I have chosen Walden because they specialize in counseling and psychology all things I am interested in. It is time I stop sabotaging myself and waiting for things that clearly will not be happening and do what it is I am supposed to be doing. I hope I can go. I hope that the money will be there and all things will work out. I trust you God. I know you got my back and if this is what I am supposed to be doing I know you will lay out the way for me.