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Grumpy Girl Kind Of Day!

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and endless plans: That the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves, too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.” Goethe

I am in pain, this morning I woke up with the middle of my back hurting. Nothing relieves the stinging, shooting pain that starts at the center of my lower back and shoots through to my right foot. Not even taking the extra doses of Prednisone helps. Trying to find a comfortable sitting position, lying position, or any position is a challenge. Trying to stay positive, goal oriented, and not a cantankerous bitch is an even more of a challenge. How do I commit to something when I have these aches and pains that make me want to vomit? Nicholas knows that mom is not right today, he is trying to comfort me. Even when his soft snuggles don’t make me smile I know that I am on the verge of tears and throwing in the towel.

Despite the back pain, speaking through a trach, breathing difficulties I am committed to my recovery and health. It is a challenge today because I hurt. I want to scream, but can’t. I want to punch something, but I don’t know who or what to punch and I don’t want to hurt myself even worse. I want to find the biggest rock that I can find and become a hermit for a bit. Isolation does not cure anything that is what I do when things get tough. I isolate. I want to vacate my life for a while, but that is not possible. Commitment is my word for today. I was reading a book called “
This is your life, it’s not a dress rehearsal” by John Donovan. I found it for a free download on Amazon. This quote he had in it popped out at me.

I am an endless researcher. I research, by Internet, reading great books, by great authors, looking at and absorbing the latest research results. I did this when I first started getting sick and discovered one vital truth, my body is a pain in the ass and there is no way I am going to figure this out on my own. I started praying for individuals who were smarter than me to become present in my life to help me live and fight for me. What Goethe says “the one moment when you commit providence moves.” I know this to be exactly true, so why can’t I do the same thing when it comes to my eating and staying committed to an actual eating plan?
Nutrition is something I have been passionately reading about my entire life. When I got my first library card at age 13 when I moved to Longview I didn’t check out novels, I checked out self-help books and nutrition books. I knew then the value of these things, but I was still an obese girl. Having the knowledge and putting it into practice are two different things. Yes, I have been able to get my blood sugars under control, until my recent IV treatment of Solumedrol and Prednisone steroids to help me reach remission on my disease that is and now I am back in the mind frame of a free for all. I have a ton of time on my hands. What do you do when you have a lot of time on your hands, and the sad part is I know many of you are thinking what is she complaining about I would love to do nothing. Let me tell you, doing nothing is not that fascinating. Having a life is much more adventurous and can keep one from slinking to the fridge scrounging around for what to eat just so you are not bored to death. I realize that is the one emotion I eat a lot of. I get bored and I eat. I get sad and I eat. I get angry and I eat. I feel rejected and eat. I get lonely and I eat. I eat. I eat a lot. You can say that instead of popping pills, smoking Marijuana, or shooting heroin, I eat. I absolutely hate this aspect of myself, but I also have to be honest about what it is I do.
Yesterday I met my new therapist and looks like he will be a permanent installation in my life. No more interns for me. I like him. He let me know what he expected and what happens when I do not respect his boundaries. I like knowing what to expect. It makes my life a lot easier. He also gave me something that no other therapist has given me, a treatment plan goal paper to fill out for our next session. I love it. I spent last night filling this out. I have three goals in mind; one of them is my eating. I am choosing to come up with an eating plan and an exercise plan that works for me. Yes, I will continue to read about nutrition, diets, fads, and all that jazz, but I am choosing to not let that new information make me feel even worse about myself and want to go jumping off the edge of a cliff because I do not follow it the way they say to. One thing I do know, that anything that tells you to illuminate one food source from your body is not a good plan. Limiting is a whole different story. I know that I shouldn’t eat a ton of sugar and thankfully that is not one of my issues, my issue is cheese, salty and crunchy stuff.

When life throws debilitating circumstances your way how do you cope? What are your commitment phobias?

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