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“For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment.” Luke 1:37

In my Bible reading today this was one of the verses that seemed to resonate deep in my soul. Impossible, that word jumps out at me. Nothing is Impossible, what does that mean? How can I fathom that when the impossibilities seem to be lurking everywhere?

Then I have to be reminded of how far I have actually come from the beginning of my journey. Yes, I experienced another malfunction. An exploding vein that caused a blister and that blister popped yucky goo all over the place on top of which I have a swollen arm. Not only that, but my veins look like I have been junkie. I hate that feeling. I keep adding different specialists to my ever growing team of doctors, now a heart specialist. Impossible still reigns firm in my mind. Is it possible that God is aligning me with the relationships I need to change my hard hearted mind towards men? Because I am getting a lot of male doctors, but the strange thing is it started with a female doctor who has orchestrated this whole new dimension of fighting for me. This includes a male therapist.

Last night while sitting waiting impatiently for test results I learned something more about my newest addition to my team. Dr. Berinstein, is a fighter, he has gotten his doctor degree and a law degree, plus he is a family man who loves his family and spends time with them. How amazing is that? I knew the moment he walked into the door that he was the one, just because he heard me cough and he knew I coughed and he blessed me anyway. That touched my heart. That was one of those impossible moments, I have always trust my gut intuition when it comes to choosing relationships, but I seem to fail when it has come to choosing a man to be my companion. I failed twice. That is why I have chosen to abstain from seeking out a male companion even though I would like one. I realize that I am the issue, it isn’t the men. I am the issue because I do not trust, nor do I believe them, nor do I expect them to fight for me. And the two that I have chosen were interested in their own needs and wants then they were in the collective whole of the relationship. I allowed that to be the case by how I responded and how I did not communicate my needs or wants. I allowed it to become a major obstacle in my life. I am a perpetual giver. Meaning, I give and give until my mind, body, and spirit is worn from all the energy that I chose to give away. I didn’t allow them to give back to me, even if they wanted to at the beginning. I taught them to be selfish manipulators in how they treated me. Now I know better, time has brought a lot of healing, but I am still in need of healing.

I wrote yesterday about starting a study on Jesus, who he is, how I am to have a relationship with him. I chose to start this process now, because relationship is something I am passionate about. Almost a year ago my sister in law and I stopped in Centeralia at the Outlet mall there at the Christian book store. I do not remember the name of the store, but it houses a lot of amazing books. This book seemed to pop out at me. “90 days with Jesus” by Beth Moore. It has been sitting on my book shelf waiting for me to start the process of healing. I am only in day two and I knew I was procrastinating, but I also knew it was time to get started. I brought it with me to my chemo treatment on Tuesday to do with my sister in law so that I had someone to be accountable to. We did day one together. She did not mind and she seemed to get a lot out of it like I did.

What kind of relationship do you have with Jesus? Do you believe in the possible in the bad times, as well as, the good times that He is capable of the impossible? Or do you only sing His praises when it is the good times? And then complain to Him when something horrible happens?

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