I caught myself comparing myself to others today. I seem to do that when I am exhausted. The mind monsters seems to show up out of nowhere with their clubs ready to bludgeon me at any given moment of weakness.
What caused me to have my mind monkeys? Well after only doing two errands today I became exhausted. All I did was go to the Social Security office and then to get some food. That is all it took for me to feel tired. When I feel this tired I get grumpy. I become sensitive to any thing that normally wouldn’t. Then of course, I had to start my mind game of comparing myself to other women my age who seem to run around with a ton of energy and get a lot done. That is when I decided to take a nap and sleep.
Upon waking up I realize that these women that I compare myself to wouldn’t know how to handle the emotional implications that have happened with the 30 surgeries I have had to undergo in the last three years, the loss of my voice each and every time I had these surgeries, two near death experiences, and the numerous doctor appointments, vents being put into my chest, going through rituximab treatment, the mega doses of prednisone, and the loss of friendships because of being ill. No wonder I am exhausted. No wonder I need rest. No wonder the simplest things make me tired. My energy is being used up by the simple act of breathing and getting what I can do done.
I know that I am not the only woman in this great big planet that compares herself to other women. That seriously needs to stop. We are all different. Different sizes, shapes, thoughts, jobs, abilities, and responsibilities. Why do we judge ourselves and those around us so harshly? We should all be having compassion for each other instead of ripping each other to shreds. And the biggest person I know I rip to shreds is me. I used to have help with the ripping to shreds, but that obstacle is now gone. Now it is just me and my own mind monsters doing the shredding and I am frankly tired of it.
I am fighting a disease and the ailing effects it has my body. I am not ashamed at the journey I have walked and the fights I have been through. I live a quiet life. I am thankful for a lot of the things I have, even if it isn’t easy for me. I am still thankful.