As I flipped my mattress on my bed I realized that I just did too much. Strange how something so simple can cause me to get so out of breathe that I have to sit down and rest. Thankfully my caregiver was here. I like the fact that he allows me to try to be independent even when I am being stubborn. My desire for my mattress to be flipped and to have clean sheets put on my bed was strong and overtook my mind. I find joy in clean sheets. I find joy in having my mattress flipped. I find joy in the simple things in life. Even with my joys I am tired from the flipping and the tucking away.

“The past is never where you think you left it.” Katherine Anne Porter

Ruminating on the matter of not being who I once was has brought me to my knees on many occasions. My endurance and physical strength is not the same. My endurance and physical strength are low. I want to build it up, but I found that my fears of suffocating while I am moving still haunt my mind. Rightfully so, after all, hasn’t my throat been restricting my ability to breathe these last 4 years? Yes it has. My dream is to have a personal trainer that is willing to work with someone in my condition. I need encouragement to move. The kind of encouragement that isn’t critical or judgmental. I have had that kind of encouragement and all it causes me to do is run to the fridge to stuff my face and plant my feet firmly in the ground and say no like the stubborn lady that I know I am.
I did finally finish writing on index cards all the healthy recipes I had pinned onto my Pininterest account. I even wrote out on index cards the recipes I had cut out of magazines just to have some form of unity in my recipe collection. I now have a whole lot of recipes to try and I will be making a few of them in January. Incorporating mindful eating, journaling, and doing small things to increase my productivity will aide me on my quest. I can also tell that 2013 will be the year I do more than just breathe and work on my physical health. “Transformation is a slow process” Sarah Ban Breathnach has informed me in her book “Something More” and I whole heartily agree with her statement.

I must remind myself about how far I have crawled on my path and how much support that I have actually had from those in my life and from God Himself. Upon examining everything I realize that I am finally ready to go deeper and further on my journey in 2013.

While I was writing the above I received a phone call from Dr. Banitt’s office (he is my Cardiologist) the echocardiogram that I had done a few weeks ago indicated that my heart is working properly. All the valves and the way it sounds is proper. That brings me such great joy. Also Monday is my last day of having the PDA EKG monitor I have been wearing the last week on and I can ship it and get the results when I see Dr. Banitt on January 15th. Having that great news at the end of 2012 leaves me feeling like I can be healthy and make great choices to continue to fight for me fully. I have also been informed that a couple of my friends are in the same mind frame about eating healthy and moving more. In fact, one of my great and amazing lady friends is going to be training to run a 5K in March for the Salvation Army. I will be rooting her on as she runs. I am glad that she is motivated enough to not only take care of her body, but to do running for a great cause. She has a wonderful partner in my other amazing friend to aide her in healthy food choices and movement. I have great support and motivation to keep on going on my own health journey.

Even though I can no longer flip my mattress without wearing myself out and sounding like a moose I know that I am not incapable of accomplishing other things. God has provided me with great people to do the flipping of my mattress for me and that brings me joy.

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