Swollen, But Hopeful
Walking down the hallway towards the rec room I felt my body communicating its struggle to breathe, heart racing, difficulty in getting oxygen in the lungs as I moved my body, and a slower than usual pace all leads me to the conclusion that my inflammation is back affecting my throat. When I got back to my apartment, after spending some time on the internet in the rec room of my apartment I started noticing the other signs in my body that indicated that I am inflamed again. My right arm and hand are swollen, so is my right foot and ankle, and I feel so bloated in my stomach, all indicators that I am inflamed. This last week I have lowered my intake of one of my medications that I take, Azapathrine as my doctor suggested in my last visit. This week I have only been taking 50 mg’s until of my usual 100 MG. I do not see my Rheumatologist until January 28th.
All this leaves me feeling deflated, frustrated, and exhausted. This is what I do now, I have undergone chemo (Rituximab) treatments, high doses of Solumedrol, Prednisone, Hydrochloriquine, and Azapathrine all in an effort to keep my body in balance. It is not working, at least not to my satisfaction.
I also know that I have not been following my anti-inflammatory eating plan. I am going to admit that for the last 6 months I have been stuffing myself like a turkey with food in an effort to keep my frustration, exhaustion, loneliness, and the quest to finding out what is my purpose and why am I going thru what I am going thru for what purpose am I supposed to learn the lesson of illness.
Yesterday in my reading I read in my current book “Entering The Castle” “People often wonder why their spiritual lives began with an illness or a life trauma; illnesses and life crises are often the ways the soul finally gets through to you to take charge of your life.”
I am pondering this statement, because I have been wondering why I got sick, why it took me getting sick to start fighting for me, to change how I voiced my emotions, to take care of my temple (body), and to seek God in a trusting fashion than I had ever before. Why is it when we are struggling we are more apt to trust and rely on God than we are in any other moment? That is a hard question to answer isn’t it.
I am struggling with one issue of my fight, taking control over my eating. I have made a decision countless times about eating the anti-inflammatory eating plan and I have done that with exercise too. Then I get extremely tired and I am not talking the normal tired, but the tired where you feel like you just walked the entire earth for 365 days and didn’t get to rest at all. I am a fighter but when the fighter is exhausted and her endurance levels are low how does she inject endurance and stubbornness back into her psyche so that she can conquer the beast of fat?
I surrender to you God that I cannot fight this fat battle by myself. I need extreme help. Perhaps that is why I fell to my knees yesterday; it was my body’s way of surrendering to God when my mind was being a stubborn stinker.