“You have to be willing to consider that, regardless of the trauma, there is a divine purpose that moves in tandem with every even in your life, painful and joyful.” Carolyn Myss
I would love to be assured that the trauma’s that I have suffered in the last four years has a divine purpose. If it does, I wish I knew what it was.
I have been holding on to the hope of so many things. Hoping that I could be miraculously healed and able to breathe again without having to have a trach to keep the stoma open so that I can keep having surgeries to keep my airway open and I hate it. I have been living with a hope that something would jump out at me and give me a purpose. I have been hoping that the inflammation wreaking havoc on my body would magically disappear. It doesn’t. I have been hoping that I would not have to endure another surgery. I am happy to say that I have not had to have another surgery since October 24th. And since I have been taking the extra Azapatherine the inflammation has gone done and when I walk to the rec room to use the WI-FI my breathing is better. I keep on hoping that I would depend on something to change my life. It doesn’t happen. If it is, it is so small that I do not notice it at all. I want a big boom. I know that is unrealistic, but that is what I am wanting.
Divine purpose, hmm, let me see if I can dig deeper. Since my illness hit me like a ton of bricks. I have endured a lost relationship that died because of abuses done by both parties, gained a friendship I thought I had lost forever, and learned the value of other relationships in my life, plus the value of oxygen. I still have my fears. Believe me I do. I am scared of moving. I have been immobile for too long and when I do move simply walking to the kitchen or bathroom leaves me huffing and puffing, but that hasn’t happened for a long time. Still I am scared that soon I will be having that issue again. Facing the beast of death and not having is a challenge. But change is inevitable. Change causes chaos, pain, trauma, a sense of being powerless against things. Is that the reality? Yes, change is chaotic and causes confusion for a moment of time, but with change something new and amazing can still happen. It is how the person chooses to view the chaos and how they mold it into what they need to use it for the purpose God wants them to. I am still at the part of my journey where I am not sure what the purpose is. All I know is for right now it seems to be writing, reading, dealing with a caregiver who helps me, dealing with doctor appointments, research, a ton of research, learning to breathe fully, and I know now it is time for me to move. I am scared, I am procrastinating. Sometimes I wish I had a butt kicking trainer who knew how to work with someone who has a chronic illness and is willing to work with them anyway. I know the values of exercise. Doing it and knowing it in my heart instead of my mind is another manner.
“With enlightenment and self-awareness, we can re-guide and realign our whole selves: our bodies, by finding new ways of moving and celebrating them and by adding good food in amounts they tell us they need; our souls, our sense of ourselves as good and worthwhile, by connecting them to the earth and to each other.” Diana Roesch
If I take what Roesch is saying I can realign how I view my body by feeding it nutritious foods and moving the way my body is telling me that I need to. What a thought? Listening to our bodies to tell us what they need. My body needs a lot of water. My body needs to move slowly and not go into a human weight lifting exercise routine that I can imagine Sylvester Stallone uses to keep his 66 year old body in shape. I have to take and appreciate that my body needs different things than a healthy woman my age. I can move, even if it is slower.
I am praying for someone to come into my life to motivate me to move and encourage me to move my body and encourage me to drink up my water and to eat better. We all need encouragement. Let’s encourage each other to live healthy versions of ourselves.
In case you don’t know what inflammation is, it is the body’s attempt to self-protect. When you are fighting a cold, a sprain ankle, or any other injury inflammation is a good thing. It helps the body heal and that is called acute inflammation. I have what is called chronic inflammation which means my immune system attacks the healthy tissue with inflammation mistaking it for a harmful pathogen. So, you can see why I am such a mess. My body is attacking me. I am literally my own worst enemy. Being mindful of this, I shall fight on to be the best healthy version of Jamie I can be. That is my goal even if I waylay myself with negative thoughts every now and again. I am still striving to be the best me I can be.