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Mustard Seed

god grant me

“The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in his field. Of all the seeds it is the smallest, but when it has grown it is the largest of the garden herbs and becomes a tree, so that birds of the air come and find shelter in its branches.” Matthew 13:31-32

I am utterly amazed how small seeds actually are and what they can become when they are nurtured in a healthy environment. We are like those seeds, God has planted us, and He gives us the nurture we need to thrive. I wrote sometime back about whether I am merely surviving or thriving. I want to thrive, but at times I feel like I am just surviving.

I have been reading a lot about faith and trust and surrendering. I am struggling with that, because of my traumatic past. Though I do feel like I have been doing a lot of interior contemplation lately and I am ready to surrender my body to God. I am scared to death because control is an illusion. We truly do not have control over anything in this life, I like to think I do, but if I were to truly think about it God could decide that it is time for me to go home. Isn’t a part of being healthy in my relationship with God, myself, and with others surrendering and letting things flow the way they are meant to? Isn’t it about allowing God to do what He wishes to do? “In Healing your relationship with God, you heal your relationship with yourself; in healing your relationship with yourself, you heal your relationship with everything.” Marianne Williamson.

I am a control freak. I like to know what is going to happen and when it is going to happen. With my disease I don’t know when a flare up is going to hit me. With my disease I don’t know what food I eat will cause a flare up or a painful stomach ache that leaves me barfing in the toilet. With my disease, I still do not have a name for it, it is unknown. With surrender, it isn’t me saying I give up, kill me now, I am releasing my control over my body and my emotions that are attached to it to God and His love. With control, I have often times become ridged, overly stubborn, a complainer, and not that great of a compassionate listener. I have become a tyrant to myself. Surrendering saying I give you the authority God to do with me what you will and I will just go with the flow is releasing my body to the healing that I can have. Healing of my relationships, healing of my emotions, healing of my physical abilities, these are all things I am meditating on while I am waiting in silence for the answer and the direction I need to take with my journey. I am taking my seed, as tiny as it is at this juncture of my life and planting it in the fertile soil of God’s love and willingness to guide me to where I need to be me. That is healthy, fulfilled, and joyously surrendering my own abilities to God and whatever my journey entails.

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