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The Blues

After my disastrous day on Friday I chose to have a quiet and contemplative weekend. I have a lot to ruminate in my mind. My mind seems to be swirling with thoughts both negative and positive about my situation. I hate those days when nothing seems to be going the way you want it to and yet you have to keep breathing and moving when you don’t want to. That was my day on Friday, in fact, that was my day for the whole week. I did not want to do anything but stay home with my head in the carpet. But the thought of carpet in my mouth turned me off, so I chose to go to my rehab appointments, I chose to go to the Otolaryngologist, and I chose to not have my head in the carpet.

While getting my respite charge to do his neurological exercises it reminded me that I am doing the same thing that he is. I don’t want to do it, but the benefits are pertinent to my health and well-being. Just like his neurological exercises are for him. Making wise choices is a challenge isn’t it? It is so easy to give in to that mindset of what is the use? Why am I doing this? Or even yet the what if’s that cross one’s mind. What if my throat closes up again? What if I hurt myself?  What if I don’t get to go where I want to go? Those are always on my mind, they never disappear. I do manage to fight if off with my sword of love that I have been given, but still they persist.

My dreams have even been influenced by the changes that are taking affect in my life. I dreamed of standing in the ocean, enjoying the waves, enjoying watching a cat drive a jet ski, enjoying watching a mother worry about her daughter jumping and then drowning in the ocean, enjoying the feel of the water, enjoying the experience. The ocean is one of my favorite places. When I see a shark swimming around my feet, I don’t run. I stand there and think about what I am going to do. I decide to calmly walk to the shore to get away from him.  In another dream I am in my old house I used to own in Longview taking pictures off the wall, taking things out of the curio cabinet that was built inside of the hallway, and watering plants only to discover a rat in one of them dying of thirst. I calmly water him and I give him nurturing which he needs.

From my perspective it is time to nurture myself. I have never experienced what true nurturing is. Feeding, watering, talking, and even clipping the dead things off that is all part of nurturing something, isn’t it?

I know I am on the right path because certain blessings are happening. Walking to the doctor’s office Friday I noticed that I am not breathing as hard as I once was. When I tested my heart rate it was only at 156 when normally it skyrockets up to 183-196. Aerobic for a woman my age is 120. I am not there yet, but it is getting lower and that is with one week of rehab. Think of what could happen within the next 7 weeks that I have left of rehabilitation. Yet my desire to go is not there. I see the benefits but I don’t want to. I know that part of the problem is the fact I am the youngest person in the rehab class. I respect the older women there, but I feel so pathetic. Shouldn’t I bet able to do the Gut wrenching aerobic exercises that women my age claim to be doing? I am reminding myself this is only the first step. I will get to where I want to go if I keep moving towards that goal. I envision myself being able to ride a bike, taking long walks in nature like I once did or even keeping up with those spry enough to move fast.

Another positive so this isn’t such a doldrumed filled post about all my negative wonderings. I realized that on March 24th will be 5 months since my last throat surgery. The surgery I had in January was for my gallbladder. I am happy about this. This means that the chemo treatment is working I am due for another bout in May and all the medications are working. I don’t see my Rheumatologist until the end of May, but I know my body well and plus the affirmation from Dr. B on Friday that my throat is not closing up again is a plus. All reminders that the steps I am taking are increasing my life. Usually, in the past, my throat starts closing up after 2 months of the dilation surgery. This time it isn’t. I only had two Rituximab chemo treatments in November and this is a good sign. I am looking forward to my Rheumatologist appointment in May to see how the inflammation test turns out.

So even though I am still not enthused about going to my pulmonary rehab for an hour in a half I am still continuing to move on. I will still look at the gigantic red heart posted on the bulletin board and remind myself that I nurturing and loving my body. I will remind myself that in 7 weeks I will be stronger and then I can do yoga, swim at the YMCA, and go for walks outside in the sunshine or rain and ride a bike when I get one.

Starting something new is the hardest thing, but I am one of those stubborn ladies who will keep on fighting with all she has. After all I am worth fighting for.

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