I woke up with a mesh pot of thoughts forming in my mind. Am I a fraud? Am I lying? Am I deceiving? Am I pretending to be something I am not? Am I being real? Am I being authentic? Is the crux of which I am a sick woman? All these questions flowed through like lava.
As I dig deeper I realize that at one point in my life I was a fraud. That is not the case now. I purposefully molded myself into the victim, the listener, the encourager, the advice giver, the giver of material things, the giver of energy, and many other different roles that I needed to play to keep the peace. I pretended to like things in order to make others happy. I didn’t communicate my thoughts, my frustrations, my wants, or my needs to anyone. I was a big counterfeiter. Why?
I wanted to be acceptable. To my own view point I wasn’t acceptable to my birth family (who were druggies and alcoholics), to my adoptive family (who lived a shiny life of love and prosperity), to my friends (whom seem to have perfect families and knew things about hygiene and social graces that I didn’t know), and to the strangers I encountered. I was rude, crude, blunt, stinky, and a huge mess. Heck the only good quality I saw in myself was that I was potty trained and didn’t pee on the floor or marked territory like a cat or dog. Is that how I feel now? In some ways yes, I do still feel that way and in other ways I don’t. I am a work in progress in this area.
Being acceptable, what does that mean? Now that I am 4 years into my life changing journey. I am more balanced. Yet, having approval, being accepted is something I still crave. And those mind beasts still do at times plaque my mind, but I do have tools that guide me to break out and not let them demean what I do have in my life. I know that I am deeply loved and even if they don’t understand at the moment why I am doing something the way I am, it means I am not being clear in my communication skills.
As my illness is going back into a balance state, thank you Jesus, I am not living in a constant state of chaotic emotional rollercoaster rides. My perspective is changing. I love people. And those around me and who have chosen to be around me see me as I am warts and all. They cheer me on while I am making, setting, and achieving my goals both in health, finances, spirit, and communication. I still struggle. I still feel inadequate, but I am choosing to take a big stick and beat the monster in my head to bits so that I can accomplish my ultimate desire, which is to encourage and inspire people to fight on. That is what is on my mind this Sunday, Easter, Resurrection day my dad use to call it, enjoy the sunshine and the family time and feel the love that is all around you.