Love… That word conjures up nightmares for me. Love, what the heck does it mean? What does it feel like? Is it even real or possible? I want to believe in love. I want to feel love. I want to experience love.
While reading “Lovability” I realized that I have this deep seeded fear inside of me from when I was a child living with my birth mom. Love meant being routinely punched in the face. Love meant having your hair pulled. Love meant not being in charge of my own body and my own choices. Love meant sacrificing my own safety for that of my mother. Love meant physical, emotional, and spiritual pain.
I remember a few times when I had people say I love you to me and my gut reaction is not to say it back, but think okay what is it you want from me? What is it you want me to do for you? How do you want to hurt me now? Was that the reality of what love is supposed to be? Is it time for me to face those illusions and forgive myself and my abusers? Face the past, face the rejection, face the betrayal, face the pain, and face the abandonment I have felt all these years and actually allow myself to experience what LOVE actually is. We have all these illusions of what it is, all them stem from the ego. Stem from manipulation, sexual lust and desire, and stem from propaganda. Propaganda that only those who are extremely beautiful, skinny, sexy can be loved and that somehow girls (women) like me are somehow unlovable and we all believe this lie. We believe the lie and then we beat ourselves up and we live in denial, hate, regret, and certainly not love.
Reading Lovability I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to be open to love. I needed to forgive me and forgive those who have allowed the lies of the ego to beat me up and live me afraid of the word LOVE.
Love is a spiritual awakening to discovering love and actually knowing and experiencing what LOVE feels like. Lovability became my first step in acknowledging my fear and even possible reasons for my fear. Lovability to me was worth the time and effort to read because it gives a new perspective that you don’t normally here on the biggest goal many people have, LOVE. The first step is knowing that you are lovable. That I now know is my biggest obstacle to the word LOVE.
If you have read Lovability I would love to hear your insights and what you learned.