- What’s a day that you wish you could have used a pain-free pass (either in the future or the past)? How would being pain or worry-free impact that day?
If I were to get a golden ticket of not having to wear my trach, not having to sound like dark Vader, not having to have my heart race while I am moving. My heart is giddy with happiness just thinking about this question.
I would take a long leisurely ride to the beach with my sisters Carri, Kris, Vickie and Joy and I would include Summer, Karen, Linda, Amber, and Debra. We would arrive early in the morning where we would all wear our sunhats, flip flops, and sunglasses shopping at the shops at the beach. Maybe even taking one of those fun old fashion pictures and then eat some fabulous food. Then we would hit the beach where I would frolic in the water and sand, maybe even rent a horse to ride. I have always wanted to do that, ride a horse on the beach. Then I would sit on the beach talking with everyone and then start reading my book with the sunshine on my back. I love the beach. I have not been able to enjoy the beach like I once did before I got sick. With my condition I am not able to keep up with everyone. I am slow, I have to take rests often, and I sound like either dark Vader or a moose in hit you can take your pick. I would love to have a day when I didn’t sound so bad. That I didn’t have to take breaks. That I didn’t have to hold everyone up while they are hanging out with me and I know that they are not having issues with it but I have an issue with it.
I would love a day like this. Quiet, hanging out with my women friends, including my sisters, spending time with them and being able to keep up with them, being able to fully participate in activities and just laugh. Not that we don’t laugh now, but I can imagine laughing and frolicking more so in this fantasy.
Before I got sick, my life was a mess. I know it is hard to believe but the truth is getting sick saved my life. I am more appreciative of the people who are in my life. I am more grateful for every single breathe that I am able to take. Yes, there are moments just as April 13th when I didn’t know whether or not I wanted to fight on, but truth is I do want to keep fighting for me. Even with the many disappointments, disasters, and betrayals I have experienced I am living a much better life than if I would have stayed where I was. I do wish I could spend more time at the beach. I wish I could have an abundance of food in my kitchen and cook up a storm and invite my friends and family over for supper. I wish I could not sound like dark Vader, but learning to be on my own and learning to be appreciative of my blessings is one of the great blessings on my journey.
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