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Ode To Another Monster


When I was 405 pounds. Scary isn’t it? This is also when I started my weight loss journey.







(At my friend Amber’s wedding. I was 275 at this point. I was experiencing my breathing issues. I sounded like a moose.)


(Me today between 305 and 310 depending on the day.)

I thought I would share some of the monsters that are in my life. Well at least another one that rears its ugly head every now and again. I share the monster of my illness and I have been for a while, but I have not been totally honest about my weight with you.

The ugliness I feel towards this monster is apparent in how I want to sweep it under the rug and not face it. I will announce that I am morbidly obese and my disease would easier to manage if I lost some poundage. I have struggle with this since I started getting sick, before I got sick I lost 100 pounds and though I have not gained the 100 back that I lost, I haven’t been able to lose anymore. Let me tell you, I have a lot more to lose. My magnificent journey wouldn’t be complete without bringing this monster into the light and start the healing process I need in order to deal and heal this confliction.

I have always been overweight, the highest weight I have been is 405 pounds and currently I range from 310 to 315 depending on how much water weight I gain in the days. Water weight throws me off because sometimes I can gain up to 30 pounds in a single day and that isn’t because I am stuffing my face with unhealthy food choices. It is because my body retains the water from the medications I take to the auto-immune disease I am fighting. I get so discourage and guess what I eat. I eat a lot to soothe those feelings that rage up out of nowhere concerning my circumstances. At one time on this health journey when I was following the Dr. Weil Anti-inflammatory eating program I got down to 275, but since I kept yo-yoing in my weight, well I just said screw this and went back to my old eating habits. Let me tell you it has not helped my body at all. I hate that I have given up on myself when it comes to eating healthy, but not in the other aspects of my healing journey. How do I change this? How do I courageously kick this ugly red eyed monster in the face tell him to go away and leave me alone?

I don’t know. All I know is that I have to and I must change that aspect of myself and get back to eating healthy for my disease and get this weight off. I don’t want to lose weight to wear the latest fashions or to snag some guy or even to look sexy in a bikini. I want to be lean, strong, and healthy so I can do the things I need to do, no scratch that, born to do. Such as helping others live a healthy life and have what they need. I can’t do that if I can’t conquer the one beast that rages out of control?

In this segment of my blog, I have decided to write honestly about what I am doing with my eating. Which is I am going to try the Paleo Eating plan for 30 days and then try out again the Anti-inflammatory eating plan to see which one works best for my body. I know I have had success and felt awesome with the Anti-inflammatory eating plan. Today I gave away my grains, which consist of Rice, Quinoa, and all my beans and lentils. Because the Paleo doesn’t allow you to eat them and the hardest part for me is giving up dairy, the only dairy allowed is eggs. That means no cheese every day, but I can have it 1 or 2 times a week. That will be a huge challenge for me. I want to write about this like I did with my disease. The ups, the emotions, the downs, the pain, and the triumphs, the reason I want to is because this helps me. I have an issue with not communicating well about my own stuff, but since I have been on my healing journey with my auto-immune disease I have learned the value of using my voice. I want to do that. I want to use my voice to help me and those like me. Here I go on another leg of my journey… 

2 Responses so far.

  1. Maureen deschner says:

    Oh, how I want to lose weight right along with you. Since December I have gone dairy-free, gluten-free, and no eggs. Just can’t seem to lose any weight. I blame it on the 20mg of prednisone. I get lots of exercise. So discouraging. Then when the pain is at its worst, I eat something I shouldn’t. Suffer with pain and weight and disease. What more can a person endure. We can do this together and both succeed.

  2. Jamie Holloway says:

    I love your determination Maureen. I take 10 MG of Prednisone. I have diabetes and even though I take Prednisone which we all know raises the blood sugars I have been able to ween myself off of my medication. So I know eating properly is vital. Eating well for our bodies is important even if we don’t get the results we want. I too though find myself feeling shameful and disappointed and want to fuel this with food, but I can’t do that anymore because the consequences are too horrific to do that anymore. You are right we can all support each other.

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