Reminders Of Who I Am.
I walked into my apartment’s laundry room to put out some things I wanted to get rid of on the giveaway table. I walked away with a reminder of who I am that laid on the table. Hope, Love, Peace, and Faith plaques which reminded me what I am striving for and how I got where I am today. Of course I grabbed them and I plan on hanging them on my wall where I can see them every day to remind me and encourage me to keep on striving, to keep walking, and to keep growing.
Yesterday started off as a great day. My caregiver and I got a lot of things done in my apartment. I am on a mission to change my environment to support the life I want. I have been taking things off my wall and evaluating whether or not I want them or if they need to go. I am doing the same thing with my furniture and other objects that I possess.
Then the big slime ball hit me in the face and the heart. A conversation with a family member that left me reeling with pain and anger which I hate feeling and I try to avoid at all cost. This time I cannot avoid this pain. I have to face this beast and with help clean off the slime. Negative emotions emerged from me and from my family member. NO we did not fight. I didn’t know what to say when she announced what she did. A part of me believes she purposefully wanted to hurt me so that I am in the same arena she is in. I cannot get in the ring. I am in a different ring fighting my own beasts and she must do her own fighting with hers. I am struggling with how to love and support someone but at the same time putting up boundaries. I am struggling with allowing myself to feel the anger and the betrayal of all the secrets she has done my entire life. All I know is this has got to stop.
This is what I know for sure. I have been in several toxic relationships and as I have been moving forward in my life they have been disappearing. God miraculously makes them go away and I am freed from the guilt and shame and moving down where I am supposed to be. This is one of the last relationships that is toxic. I am praying and listening to God about what I should do and how to handle it. Right now, distance needs to happen between her and I. I have to get my mind wrapped around the concept that I am angry, that I am deeply hurt, and that I love her all at the same time. What a strange combination.