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Fluttering On


Ever since I received the news that I am going in for surgery and that I could be without a trach by March or April I have been overwhelmed with a lot of emotions. You see, last year during this same time period I had no hope. My throat issues seemed to be getting worse, I was going into surgery at least once a month and my body seemed to be rejecting me. A year a later and three treatments of Rituximab and medications my throat looks like a healthy throat again. I was excited, but once the initial excitement wore off. What do I do now thoughts starting bombarding my mind. When you are not given any hope to living without a trach and things seemed to only be getting worse you have no idea the since of dread and realization on how precious life is crosses one’s mind. I thought I had to make do with my ailments. I had to accept I would not be living without a trach and that I would be sounding like Darth Vader for the rest of my life. Now that has changed. In one year, my life has changed. Now what? That is the question that is going through my mind.

I have always wanted to become a counselor. I wanted to listen, encourage, and help those who are in emotional upheaval. I have a natural inclination towards that type of work. I made some miserable choices centered around helping others and not on me that my energy started waning. Thankful, since my illness, since my experience with a trach I have learned not to give too much of energy away to others. I have stepped back and allowed myself to heal physically and emotionally. I needed that. God knew I needed that and the only way I would do that is with an illness and a breathing issue.

I started school, but had to quit, and now I am looking into returning and I hope I can. I researched some schools on-line and I made a choice and I put in for more information and hopefully I will have more information when my surgery is done and over with on October 9th.

These are the goals I know for sure that I will be working on with my enthusiasm than ever before while I am waiting for the 6 month period to pass I will and am currently working towards building up my endurance levels. I am not at 5 minutes on the treadmill and I am still doing the stretches that I learned from my pulmonary rehab stint.  After I conquer doing 30 minutes on the treadmill I will look into doing more exercises to keep building up my muscles and my endurance levels. Getting my weight off and keeping my body healthy with healing foods is another goal. The last couple of days I have been an eating machine, the overwhelming emotions have taken over, but I am mindful. At least I am not eating out my entire fridge. But still I am eating more than I like to.

The most important thing is that I am so grateful for this new opportunity to grow and do more with my life than just sit around healing. And I am going to cease this and move forward with a lot of joy in my steps.

I am looking forward to December 13th when Christmas Joy Telethon is having their fundraiser and concert event for Living Ministries. We have several bands signed up to play, Carl Wirkkala, Paul Mauer, Raeann Phillips,  Jeff Hamilton, and Mending Hope.  I hope to see you there at the Electric Bean and you can donate and be a part of this great event by contacting Summer Clemenson at Summer@livingministries.org.

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