I have been reading my daily devotional “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young and this particular phrase she writes hit me hard. “Though I may lead you along paths that feel alien to you, trust that I know what I am doing. If you follow Me wholeheartedly, you will discover facets of yourself that were previously hidden.” (Jesus Calling) Sarah Young
The reason it hit me hard was the fact that I have been questioning God a lot. Why am I ill? Why do I have to live with a trach? What kind of life can I have with all of these ailments? What do I do now? I have been asking these same questions of God for the last four years, since I had my first throat surgery in 2009. As I read this passage I started realizing some things. First, I am not where I once was. I have gone through a lot of curves, twists, spirals, and I am still standing and breathing. Yes, I loathe having my trach. It gets in the way. I wish I couldn’t be recognized by my blind neighbors by how I sound when I am walking towards them. Sounding like Darth Vader is not this girls dream at all. I hate it. I guess, I have not accepted where I am in my life. That perhaps this is God’s plan that I slow down, take care of my body, stop blaming, stop planning, stop living for the future but live in the moment, in the now. I thought all of this while I was painting my finger nails and toe nails pink. Pink is my happy color. I have not painted my nails in a long time and this felt good to me.
I also realized that I needed to start using the tools I have and not try to get out of what I know I must do. The key to getting my access weight is by tracking my food, not eating for emotional reasons, actually eating meals, and drinking a ton more water than I do. So this morning I made myself a breakfast, a real meal. Usually I just eat one item not a meal. This morning I had a yogurt, 1 egg, spinach, and onion with small amount of cheese and of course my arsenal of medication. God wants me to take care of my body with good food and water, get movement, have healthy relationships, and realize that I am worth the fight. I forget all of these things from time to time. I get so distracted with extreme fatigue, pain, and the mundaneness of my life.
If I actually step back and visualize where I had been and where I am now. I am thankful for where I am now. I got rid of the toxic relationships that were bringing me down, though that was difficult to do. I am right where I need to be and I am looking forward to some events that will be happening in the next couple of months. I will be attending a workshop every Thursday starting on October 16th until the 21st of November that will give me even more tools to use in my arsenal. I am excited. And of course “The Christmas Joy” telethon on December 13th is coming up. I am looking forward to the acts and working with some amazing people. It will be a fun way to celebrate Christmas. If you would like to be involved or be a sponsor we would love that and you can contact us or even if you want to make a donation that would be so awesome. As you can see I have a lot to look forward to. Intersected with doctor appointments, blood draws, and medical trips to Seattle I do have some joyful things coming up.