13 MM

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October 9th, I experienced my 39th throat surgery in the last four years. This one was different, this one I have hope for living a throat healthy and happy life.

While my sister in law and I had to wait a bit longer for my surgery to me it was worth. All the doctors were kind and treated me with respect and valued me. That is one thing I have been blessed with on my journey of finding my voice people who value who I am and what I am about. Of course, getting poked with the IV and waking up with a seriously sore throat. I feel like I have swallowed a porcupine. Ouch! Thankfully, I was given 30 tabs of Oxycodone to help with my pain.

The surgery I had done was a Microlaryngoscopy with laser. I know a mouth full. What they do is feet my teeth with this plastic stuff to make a mouth guard. I got to take my mouth guard home. I think it is cool, though I do look a big like Jim Carrey from when he was In Living Color back in the early 90’s, especially the fireman character. They fit my mouth with the guard to prevent them from breaking or hurting my teeth. I love my teeth so I am thankful for this extra precaution. During the dilation, I was stretched to 13 MM. That is right I now have the same size of throat opening as the rest of the world and boy do I notice.

While walking to my apartment, down the 6 stairs and to my door I noticed that I was not breathing as heavy as I normally do, to I felt the air going in and I was able to sustain my stamina and not feel like I needed to collapse on my bed after I got in. I have not felt this was in a long, long time. I cannot begin to explain the joy, the appreciation, the overwhelming emotions that welled up. If I can stay at this level of breathing without needing dilation I can get rid of my trach. I can move, breath, and become fully who I want to be. I can do all this without a trach.

Yes, I feel weak, but I also feel happiness, even among the painful throat and the tried up blood that seems to be coming out of my trach/stoma area. This pain is worth it. Sometimes pain is worth having in order to experience the pure joy and beauty that takes place in one’s life. These painful moments make the butterfly fly and have gorgeous wings and right now I feel like I am that butterfly.

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