I hate packing, especially when I am heading to the hospital tomorrow morning for surgery. I never know what I should bring with me. I never know how long I will be staying. Of course, I bring my lap top. Thankfully, they have internet there so I can update my blog and my Facebook. And of course, I need my phone charger. I am hoping that I will be going home the same day I have surgery since it is just a simple dilation surgery. I hate the unknown, I hate waiting, and I hate not having a plan and leaving everything up in the air. I may seem like I am easy going and I am flexible, but deep down I am truly a woman who loves having a plan of action.
The night before surgery I always have a hard time sleeping and I am afraid of taking my Trazadone because that allows me to sleep a long time without waking up. Tomorrow morning my sister in law and I will be embarking on a trip to Seattle where hopefully I am having my last dilation surgery. I am giddy with all the possibilities. This last week I have been concentrating on writing up a business plan and ideas for Voices of Healing. My neighbor and friend loaned me her book on how to write a business plan and of course she told me about score. My mind as been roaming with all my possibilities and that has been fun. I haven’t felt this way for a long time.
I am also deeply thankful that I have some neighbors here who are willing to watch out for my apartment and my Nicholas while I am away.
Tomorrow is D day so to speak for me. Tomorrow marks the beginning of seeing if my throat will stay open and when I will be able to get rid of my trach permanently. If I said I wasn’t scared or fearful then I would be lying. I am terrified that something will go wrong or that I will have to stay 2 weeks in the hospital or that my throat won’t hold at 12 CM. I know that what I think will make it happen, but it is so hard not to have small doubts that creep up. Yet, I know God has my back. He has gotten me this far and I have learned so much on my journey. The best part is I am open to the new relationships I am building and rebuilding some of the old ones. I know I have support. I know that I am valued and loved and that makes this a lot easier to handle. I don’t feel like eating the entire contents of my fridge out. That is a new feeling.