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Baby It’s Cold Outside

BRR, 12 degrees outside this morning and I am cold, which is a rare thing. I am sitting in my warm bed writing this blog post and a few other posts while I am recovering from my infusion yesterday.

A big giant praise moment, my infusion went well. No issues presented themselves. I am so glad that I went and got the blood work done the day before so I didn’t have to wait an hour for it. My infusion took 7 ½ hours and while I was sitting there I watched Pawn Stars marathon on the History channel and learned a bunch of things. I also got on the internet a few times and I journeled on my lap top.

The biggest thing was that I only got poked twice and I learned something about my veins. I cannot handle a 22 gauge needle and so thankfully this nurse used a 24 gauge needle and it worked so much better. The 24 gauge needle is a smaller IV needle and it worked better with my tiny veins. I will be remembering this the next time I have to have an IV. I love the nurses that talk, take their time with the needle poking, and who ask me questions and treat me like a person instead of a pin cushion. It makes it a much better experience. Julie my nurse at the Legacy Salmon Creek Medical Center Day Infusion Clinic was awesome, so is Gloria. Also had a great lunch, a real turkey sandwich made from real turkey and not the highly processed stuff. I haven’t had one of those in a long time and I thoroughly enjoyed it. They provide a great lunch for their patients. An apple, cranberry juice, milk, ginger cookies and a turkey or roast beef sandwich. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have eaten the bread, but it was so yummy.

I also learned something about myself yesterday that I never realized before. It must have been something God wanted me to hear, because it happened three times. Marvin driver one whom I learned is from Maui Hawaii and just moved here a year ago said to me that I radiate joy and you can see it on my entire being. He meets a lot of clients who are angry and bitter and I radiate something different. Then Julie the nurse said essentially the same thing and so did my driver home.

This is something I don’t see about myself. I often times feel like I radiate being sick and I am angry and frustrated. At the same time I don’t want to be like my birth mother or Rick was in just giving up on my life and becoming miserable and making those around me miserable. Like I said, I needed to hear this. It is so easy when feeling like crap to just say screw this, I am not going to try anymore. Believe me I have had these thoughts many times on this long journey of mine. I have essentially said fuck this, pardon my language, and wanted to punch something, but because I know there are those I have meet on my journey who have it so much worse than I do. I also know that I am actually well blessed a few miracles have happened in my battle for my life. I have survived and thrived at the same time. But I also know there are those moments when the frustrations hit. Do you know what has helped me through those moments? I have sought out counseling, and I have been extremely blessed with the counselors I have had these last few years. Learning what I value, who I am, and what it is I want to be in accepting my illness. I am allowing myself to feel the emotions, the biggest emotion is frustration during those flare up days when it feels like I am falling completely apart. I have also had support from my family and friends and I have learned to let certain things go along with my grieving. One thing I know for sure, anxiety and issues come up when one does not allow themselves to grieve the loss, and the essentially fight against the fact that they are sick by sweeping it under the rug and allowing bitter and anger to brim up to the surface and not go to the root cause of the anger. My root cause of my anger stems from the fact that I have never felt valued by those in my life, but as I am traveling down this road of Vasculitis I know deep down in my heart that I am valued by God and therefore those who are in my life now.

Man, I sure had a lot to say this morning. I will leave you with this parting wisdom. I hope you know that you are valued. No matter where you are at, no matter what mistakes you have made, no matter how insecure, betrayed, ridiculed, or shamed you have experienced in your life. You are valued by God. 

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