I have to admit to the world that the last week or so I have not felt like being my positive self anymore. I have a lot of hard decisions to make about where I want my life to go. An old friend will be making an appearance in my life. I am excited about this, but at the same time I am sad because this means her marriage is ending and her family is being uprooted yet again. I am uprooting a few key pieces in my life as well, but I am an adult, I am not in a marriage relationship and so that is one thing I know I will not be dealing with. My mind roams and to come to find out my mind has been roaming since I was a toddler. I was reminded of this as another person who knew me as a young toddler said that I used to only get 3 to 4 hours a sleep a night. My birth mom thought I was hyperactive, but I think it is something more. I have some decisions to make, but it isn’t the choice itself it is putting the decision once I have made it into action.
I have decided to fire my current caregiver, because he is not doing the job the way that I need it to be done. One example is he goes weeks without mopping my floors, vacuuming, and he expects me to entertain him by playing board games with him. The initial reason I got a caregiver was to help me to make positive changes in my life and to help me maintain my home. When he takes a part my stove to clean it and then goes a couple of weeks without putting it back together, in fact, I had to put it back together and I could have used this same energy to do something else. I have only so much energy before I am zapped and therefore I have to be choosy about what I put my energy into. Not only this, but my caregiver drains my energy and makes critical and mean comments about me to me and such. The other day I had enough and I told him I have had enough, I’m done. I am not being disrespectful to you, so don’t you dare be that way to me.
Another thing that has been on my mind besides firing my caregiver and how to do this in a kind and respectful is that it is time for me to dive deeper into my healing process. Not healing such as my disease healing, but my emotional eating. It is time to face this head on and do something to change my relationship to food. I figured out that my diving into food happens when I am in a critical relationship with someone and so therefore my avoidance has to do with drowning in a bag of potato chips or whatever I can find in my fridge and cupboard. The first step is finding things I can do instead of tuning to food. That is what I am working on, besides finishing up my book, and preparing for a new person in my life, and a few changes that are happening in my life. In 3 months I will be trachless and I am looking forward to this. And when I am trachless then that is my opportunity to stand up and take flight towards the goals that I want to do in my life. I am excited about this, as well as a bit nervous. So far the two new medications I started have not had any adverse side effects, thank God for this. I will leave you with a scripture that I read the other day that gives me courage.
For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil to give you to give you hope in the final outcome.
Have an excellent day!