Yesterday did not go the way I wanted it to go. I’m sad to report that I have to live with my trach for another 5 months in order to make certain I won’t need another trach down the line. I know Dr. H is being cautious, but I couldn’t help feeling disappointed and a bit frustrated. I felt deflated by the news. I had to wait to fall apart until I got home which wasn’t until around 9:30 PM or so. I enjoyed my day with my sister. I liked seeing my mom and my other sister Joy, but I still felt like I wanted to cry and be alone for a bit. I did enjoy seeing my mom and looking at her gorgeous garden of tulips and daffodils, but I still felt sad.
(My throat over a year ago. The bloody redness is the inflammation and if you looking in the hole you can see the granulations.)
(what it looked like yesterday when I had the scope. The inflammation is gone and so is the granulation. My throat is open. In October 2013 when I had my last surgery it was only 40 percent open. This time it is open a lot more.)
I felt drained, so I rested off and on all day. I woke up from dreams about the time I had casts on both legs and that I had to do intensive physical therapy and endure leg braces for over a year in order for my legs to heal. I knew in my heart that in my life I have had to endure many things and that I am strong enough because God gives me that inner strength to endure and still keep on moving. I woke up, got dressed, took my medications and I went and played in the dirt. I planted my two beef steak tomatoes, the 6 Italian parsleys, star gazers, and a dahlia in pots. I snuggled with my cat. I also arranged a ride for my physical therapy on Thursday. I have made some vast improvements in my health the last year. I have lost 9 pounds in the last month. I am breathing better. My throat is staying open. My throat is healing and I am healing. Yes, the doctor wants to be cautious and yes I am disappointed and a bit pissed off about it. But I also know that Dr. H. is an excellent doctor and is only thinking about my own healing. I know that I move faster than I am supposed to and sometimes my timing is not God’s or my doctor’s and it is okay for me to feel my emotions.
I will keep on doing the small changes, but I do have to admit for a brief moment I thought about calling it quits. I am not going to do that, because that will undo the work and healing I have already experienced. I will keep moving and if I have to live my trach for a bit longer it isn’t going to stop me from moving forward towards my goals.