Brighter Days Ahead
It is time for another update on my progress. I had my infusion on June 5th and I am beginning to feel like myself again. I no longer feel the need to sleep all day. I feel rested. I knew from my previous experiences with Rituximab that it would be about a week before I felt like my normal self. What have I been doing besides sleeping? Well I have been talking with my friend and neighbor Timothy. We are exchanging emails and we are talking about some deeply rooted fears of mine. I asked him to be my accountability buddy as I face a new challenge my binge eating habits. I am glad that I listened to my gut and allowed Timothy to be my sounding board. It feels strange to share things with a male. It is difficult for me to trust men, because of my past relationships with men. Yet, I felt God leading met to being able to share. It feels like a victory to me. One of his first emails to me said this to me:
“If you are going to defeat this habit, you must find something to replace your desire to raid the ‘fridge that gives you genuine self -esteem. That must begin with working on your mind, to convince yourself that you are already a person of worth and quality because of what is inside you already – Jesus Christ in you – not something you put into yourself from the outside.”
Another thing is he asked me why I can’t be loyal to myself. I’ve been loyal to others. Often times staying until the bitter end even if it wasn’t exactly healthy for me but I chose to stay because I felt it was God’s assignment for me. That is why recently I made the decision to stay clear of relationships until I have fully recovered from my two disastrous ones. I have been thinking long and hard about what loyal means. Loyal means being faithful and God knows that I have been faithful to others. Is it being selfish when you take the same consideration and become loyal to yourself? That is what is pondering in my head right now. I don’t think it is. Here is why, because if I am not at my best how can I help someone else? How can I give them the energy they need if I don’t do the exercises or eat the way I am supposed to? If my energy is drained I cannot be my best self.
Yesterday I started my physical therapy exercises again. It felt great. Though I didn’t do them all, because I felt extra tired after doing the interval training, so I didn’t do the monster walk or bridges. This morning I did the monster walk along with the interval exercises. I will be adding the bridge exercise tomorrow. One thing I have learned on this journey of mine is to take things slowly. Sometimes my body can’t handle all the extra effort and it does me more harm than good to force myself to continue when my body gets fatigued.
I hope you enjoy your day and do some soul nurturing self-care.