A year ago I set out on a reading journey. I don’t remember ever reading the bible all the way through. I knew scriptures. Ones that I have memorized in Sunday school and those I think of that my dad or mom would quote or my brother or sisters would. When I got sick, my relationship with Jesus changed. I wanted to know who He was and what He did for myself. I think it all started when I did Heart Change with my brother, sister-in-law, and one of my sisters. I didn’t want to learn it from teachers, family, friends, or anyone else. I wanted to know for myself. I wanted to dive deeper. I started in Matthew a year ago. I started at the beginning of Jesus’ story. I learned a lot ready the 4 gospels. He says 7 times, all things are possible. Not exactly put into those words, but something similar. Or at least that is how I am taking it. I am now in Psalms.
I read Psalms 5, 6, 7, & 8. Psalm 6:2-3 “Have mercy on me and be gracious to me, O’ Lord, for I am weak, faint and withered away; O’ Lord heal me, for my bones are troubled. My inner self as well as my body is also exceedingly disturbed and troubled. But you, O’ Lord how long until you return and speak peace to me?”
The reason Psalms 6:2-3 hit me so hard is because I am feeling this exact same thing. I am weary. I am weak. My bones are troubled. My inner self is disturbed and troubled. My body is easy to get. I am dealing with an illness that wears this lady out. The care it takes to live with a trach is not easy. I know it is worth it.
My inner self is troubled because I have so much on my brain. I wish I could just take a long leisurely vacation at the beach. I would love to smell the ocean. Feel the sand on my skin. Smell the salty air. Allow the waves to rock me into peace. I can’t do that. The root of my inner issues is that I don’t feel valued. I still have the residual effects of destructive relationship that have left their imprints on my heart. My heart feels trampled. I long ago forgave those who have abused me. Yet, I am abusing myself with the negative thoughts I am allowing myself to think about.
I am scared. I’m anxious about the upcoming procedures. I’m thinking to myself what if these surgeries don’t give me the ultimate goal. My ultimate goal is living a trach free life. The doctor gave me the option of just living with the trach now, but I knew in my soul that going ahead with surgery was the answer. My year will consist of recovery. I’m estimating here. I’m facing my fear of having another serious larynx spasm during surgery. I’m facing my fear of living with a trach for the rest of my life. I’m facing the fear of the possibility of death. God says many times in the old and New Testament fear not and have courage. Right now I am shaking in my boots.
My coping of my fear is writing in my journal, sharing it with others, writing for my blog, and learning to let go and trust God. I know he has my back. I know in the worse situation I will be okay. I can still have a life. It may not be the one I want, but I still have reasons to get up and breathe.
Please pray for me as I face these new obstacles. In case anyone wants to help with my recovery by sending me something. Here are some things that would be helpful:
New Pajamas
Fuzzy new socks
Do-terra oils
Home cooked and nutritious meals
A good book
A funny card in the mail
Nail polish to keep my toes pretty for the doctors and nurses.
A soft cuddly blanket
Anything else you can think of that would promote healing, laughter, and comfort.
Thank you so much to my supporters.
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