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Hard Choices

It is so hard to believe that September is almost over. Time seems to be flying. September has been the month that a lot of things started happening for me concerning my health. First, I had my 100th bronchoscopy and larynscopy surgery on September 9th.  Currently, I am recovering from this surgery. I’m slowly getting over the swollen feeling in my throat that causes me to cough. The peak flow is slowly showing slight improvements. During this time of healing I have come to the conclusion that I have to start using my wheel chair more to do things outside of my apartment. It was hard. I don’t like relying on my wheelchair. I have to be real about my condition.

Thursday I had my post Op appointment with Dr. Anderson. Where we discussed my options. Even though I had my throat dilations I still have a noticeable breathing issue. It opens up my throat, but it doesn’t fix the issue of breathing through a straw. It’s a complex issue. I have two options I can go back to the trach, but this trach would be bigger and would cause me not be able to speak at all. Or I could get a trachea re-sectioning. Both choices I do not want to have done. But I have to choose. I am opting for the throat re-sectioning. Simply, because I cannot imagine not being able to communicate with my voice for the rest of my life. There is still a possibility that a re-sectioning will not be possible because of my complicated history with surgeries. The hospital could reject my decision. I love that my doctor loves to have me prepared even with the hard things. He tells me the truth and warns me about things. He doesn’t leave me with rose colored glasses on. This news hit me like a ton of bricks to my stomach.

How do you make a decision? Do I want to not try the re-sectioning or do I want to try it? If I try it and I get rejected by the hospital am I strong enough to fight for what I need? Do I have the support that I need? How do I do proactive things while waiting for the surgery?

AS you can see, I had a lot of questions on my mind. Here are some answers. First, I can be proactive. I realize that I can lose some weight while I am waiting. I will wait one year. This will give me the time I need to become stronger physically, spiritually, and mentally while I am healing. During this year I can learn America Sign Language in preparation of just in case I will end up not being able to speak. I can do strength training to make my body stronger for the recovering process that will happen after such a big surgery. I can ask my family and friends to pray for me and this big surgery in advance so that the doctor, I, and the hospital are protected. I can keep building and connecting with those in my life before I have my surgery. So that if I do die in the process they will know how much I loved them.

In life, making hard decisions that seem impossible to make is a part of life. I know that God is leading me to where I need to be. I just have to follow the steps.

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