I have been receiving tons of messages about stinking thinking. I have been stuck in stinking thinking mode for quite some time. I can pinpoint my first nasty thought to the day I received two options about my throat from Dr. Anderson last month. As I have been grieving the loss of my health, the possibility of losing my ability to speak, and then of course, more surgery I have been lost in a time warp. I started dreaming about some scoundrels of my past. I started thinking about the negative things my mom would say to me. That I wouldn’t be loved by anyone. No man would ever want me a fat girl like me. I’m not worth tits on a boar hog. Or that I would never amount to anything. Then of course, I made several of these truths come true in my life. Especially my relationships with men. I started thinking about the two men that I let into my life and who ended up being dishonest, cruel, judgmental, extremely critical, and most of told me I wasn’t worthy. I believe those things. These men were not good men. These people’s words have woven and weaved a giant deep canyon into my brain. When I am hit with a change of something I am failing at. Yes, I feel like I am failing when it comes to my health. I know that this thought is not true. I also, at times feel like I am running into the same brick wall over and over again. I feel bruised, wounded, and most of all exhausted.
I am not always positive about things in my life. I have to choose to be every single day. Right now, I feel lost. Right now, I have a sore throat and am having difficulty breathing. I also am tired of coughing up mucus yuck all the time. My chest hurts, I just plain hurt. It’s a fight to not be grumpy. Since, I am aiming to be more honest about my journey with my chronic condition. This is where I am at right now. This weekend I plan on living in my pajamas, watch laff TV where they air old TV shows that I loved growing up, such as Empty Nest, Grace Under Fire, and Highway to Heaven. I need a rest and not think about my condition day. That is what I am going to do.