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Fixed Purpose

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Integrity comes only from having the courage to keep an unwavering commitment to your convictions. Tavis Smiley

 

This year I chose possible and open and worship as my focus words. It’s been four months now. I thought it is time to update and review these last four months. It’s been a ride. A wonderful, cantankerous ride.

I wanted 2016 to be a year of possibility, one that I am not stuck home in a dark place. I wanted to be out in the light, enjoying life. I needed to be open to that. Slowly, things have been happening. Good things. First, I had my surgery, an experimental surgery to get my trachea open up. I wanted to be able to move and breathe at the same time. My throat is open, thankfully it has stayed open, but it wasn’t enough. I know that I will be going in for another surgery. I felt the greatness of God while I waited for the surgery to happen. Come to find out, I was open to the fact that not everything is about me and my illness. My illness affects not only me, but those around me, and even strangers. I saw the possibility of my medical journey effecting someone else’s life. My eyes were open. My mind grew. I know that I get into this mindset that it’s all about me and that I am an island. That is not the truth. We are all connected. We all impact each other’s lives. Sometimes in ways that we cannot see at the moment, but we do. My attitude, my illness, and my ability to maneuver through my life affects not only me, but those around me, those who don’t know me, and even future generations.

I am writing this, because I have to be honest. I have been in a big funk. A funk, that has left me to stagnant in my life. A funk that has stopped me dead in my tracks towards my goals of wellness. I can’t call it rebellion. I can it the monster of a thousand thoughts. These last few weeks I have kept silent in my blogging and only posted reviews and interviews because I couldn’t process or voice what I am feeling. I am still having some trouble. I’m open to voicing my struggle now.

Living a life of wellness is daunting. You have to plan, you have to set yourself up to be successful. You have to fix your eyes on God and your goal so that you can accomplish it. You have to make a decision and stick with it. There is no wishy washy thinking. Ugh! I finally, after years of knowing what I need to do, made a decision. I started with my own personal statement. A declaration of sorts. I have read about others who have personal statements that they live by and if something doesn’t fit it, they don’t do it. I always wanted to do this. I finally did, after 3 years of wanting to. I know, I’m a slow poke.

Here is my personal statement: I will stand with fixed purpose with Jesus, in order to demonstrate love, hope, grace, respect, kindness, and faith through all the challenges of life.

Since, currently, I am fighting with thoughts of feeling like a failure. I now know that I am not a failure. I just didn’t have fixed purpose in my life. I didn’t make a decision and stuck with it. I have finally made my decision. I am committing to me. I am committing myself to my wellness in a balance way. Balance is key. My life isn’t all about my illness. I have other faucets of myself. Including these things is now my goal. Along with eating well, which to be honest I struggle with. I have a hard time with portion control and sometimes it is convenient to eat packaged meals and snacks than it is to make it myself.

I’m also including movement in my daily life. I know that I cannot do cardio, tracheal stenosis makes that happen, but I can do strength training and balance training. I just have to include it in my day.

Then I need some fun, adventures. I have been slowly including that into my life. Not daily, but every so often I do. It’s been nice weather here in April and I made a choice to go outside in the sunshine to take photographs while I wheeled around in the parking lot.

I also must have time with God daily. He is my best friend, my comforter, and my help with all the above things in my life. He is who I am fixing my eyes on while I make this transition in my life.

Currently, I am waiting for an appointment with a Physiatrist. A muck up with paperwork is holding it up for now. I know that it will happen and it will help me. I have an appointment with my ENT to schedule another throat surgery. Where I know that my throat will become even more open. I’m hopeful.

Here are some things that make me happy:

For King & Country: Fixed My Eyes

Close To You by Kara Isaacs

Lauren Daingle: How Can it Be

Prince: Raspberry Beret

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