Progress: I’m Ready
This morning I put my Plumb’s Exhale CD into my lap top as I got ready write. The first song that came up is Lord, I’m Ready Now. Tears began to fall down my face. This song is hitting a specific place in my heart.
You see this month has been a challenge for me. First, I had to make a difficult financial choice. Then my nerve pain in my feet and back started getting worse as I starting just standing as my strength training. The PT gave me this simple goal while I waited for pool therapy to start. I could not do it. I went to see my pain doctor. He gave me a medication to help me with my nerve pain. Gabapentin. So far, it has taken that pain away. I feel no pain now as I walk on my feet. I still need my wheel chair because I still cannot get enough oxygen as I am walking. I’m only on the week one dosage of 1 300 mg pill a night. I’m going to be working up to two morning, noon, and night. The first night, I slept better than I have in a long time. When I woke up in the morning my pain seemed to be gone. I was a bit druggy, like I had been drugged. I got up and I felt a bit dizzy and then suddenly something popped. I don’t know what or where, but it popped. I am standing up straighter and not hunch over. Since my back went out in 2014 I have been walking hunched over and both my feet went numb. Yet, I still have pain in my toes and the bottom of my feet. The nerves were damage and it was not going to get better.
I have been thinking a lot about being intentional. Not just making a choice, but actually doing the action part of my choices. I desire to be successful with pool therapy and not just stopping after pool therapy ends. I want to work towards other movement I can do. Building up my muscles, so that I can do the things I love better and with exuberance. Jesus and I had a nice long talk in my journal about how I can be intentional. I went out and gout a counsellor to help me work through my emotions as I walk this new path of rebuilding my body and my heart and life. I started praying deep prayers as Priscilla Shirer recommends in her book Fervent and the movie War Room. I am writing them out in my journal whenever the pangs of doubt and fear hit my mind. I’m still fearful.
Here are my biggest fears:
- That I will go back to needing a trach and that my breathing will get worse and then I will have to stop moving forward in my life.
- That I cannot rebuild my muscles.
- That I am just like my mother Barbara and that I am just going to give up on life without putting up a fight or working through the things I need too.
- My efforts will in vain.
Those are the fears I’m working through as I head straight towards restoration in my life.
I pray that you my dear reader are blessed, find peace, and restoration in your day today and your week. Thank you for reading to my ramblings and watching my video.
Here are the things that I shared on my video with you:
Needless Suffering by David Nagel MD
Heather Christo: Pure Delicious
Linda J. Gilden and Dalene V. Parker: Words To Live By