Tuesday, I got some disappointing news. The scar tissue in my trachea is growing back. That means more surgery. This will be my 112^th throat surgery since 2009 when I had my first one. I love how my ENT Dr. Anderson works with and listens to what I have to say. I have made the intentional choice to go ahead and finish my pool therapy which ends on September 9^th before I have my throat surgery. I want to finish what I have started.

I went through a bunch of emotions, first, I was pissed off, angry, frustrated, disappointed, and then slowly I started accepting my fate. I rested on it before I started writing this post. I did write the core people in my life and vented to them. I needed to release what I was feeling. Then I vented to God too in my journal.

Why am I telling you all this? Well, wellness is my ultimate goal. I also want to be intentional. I also want to be open to those in my community, my family, and close friends. This allows me to heal. This allows me to work through and not hide. With my tracheal stenosis, Limited Wegener’s it isn’t going to go away. I have to be on top of it. I have to listen to my body with love, grace, kindness, and appreciation.

I love how God works in my life. Last week, before I had my CT scan and got the results my counselor and I practice meditation. She and I used an essential oil called Clarity, not a name brand that I recognized. I put it on my hands, I breathed in and out, closed my eyes, and breathed in the oil as I cleared my mind. It helped me this week as I deal with approaching a new surgery of my trachea. So, after I had my appointment last week, I went to the APP store on my tablet and downloaded a couple of nature sounds, rain, ocean, forest to help me in my meditation.

I feel clearer. I think the hard part what the realization that two surgeries did not work. That I could have to have this done every 3 months for the rest of my life. Something that I will have to have done regularly like my Rituximab infusions in order to keep me strong and breathing so that I can kick butt at life. I felt a bit let down that God did not heal me like I want him to. That was last night. That was my thinking. I have changed my thinking today. God has walked me through this process every step of the way. He wants me to walk with him, hand in hand, breathe by breathe. I appreciate a lot of things and breathing is one of the most precious things that we do daily. Would I still have that appreciation if I never had a problem like this? Would I be arrogant? I think I would be.

I am making the intentional choice to keep my eyes fixed on him as I continue to walk down this path. I still have my peace and I still have my blessings. I haven’t lost anything. At the same time as I have been working towards wellness in my throat. I have gained healing in my emotional life. I no longer feel the pull towards the toxic people that I normally would. I feel capable, like I have a purpose, that my voice is strong. I wouldn’t have all this healing if I wouldn’t have gone through all of this. That right there is a big thing to me.

I will be writing an article about meditation and pool therapy and post it next week. I have done the research. There are so many cools APPs. I am going to share the APPs I have found on my Facebook page on Jamie Chases Butterflies and my Twitter. If you haven’t like me on Facebook, then here is your change. If you are not following me, then now is your chance. I share some awesome stuff.