God has put Psalm 39 on my heart this morning. I do not remember ever reading Psalm 39 and it having an impact on my heart and mind.
I dreamt that I was in a church, a man was sitting on my left side and a woman was on my right. Then suddenly someone said my name and then Psalm 39:10. I woke up. I went to my bible and read it.
Here is what Psalm 39 from the Amplified version says:
I said, I will take heed and guard my ways, that I may sin not with my tongue; I will muzzle my mouth as with a bridle while the wicked are before me. I was dumb with silence. I held my peace without profit and had no comfort away from good, while my distress was renewed. My heart was hot within me. While I was musing, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue. Lord make me to know my end and to appreciate the measure of my days what it is; let me know and realize how frail I am, how transient is my stay here. Behold, you have made my days as short as handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing in your sight. Truly every man at his best is merely a breath! Selah, pause, and think calmly of that! Surely every man walks to and fro, like a shadow in a pantomime; surely for futility and emptiness he is in turmoil; each one heaps up riches, not knowing who will gather them. And now, Lord, what do I wait for and expect? My hope and expectation are in you. Deliver me from all my transgression; and make me not the scorn and reproach of the self-confident fool! I am dumb, I open my mouth, nor is you who has done it. Remove your stroke away from me; I am consumed by the conflict and the blow of your hand. When with rebukes you correct and chasten man for sin, you waste his beauty like a moth and what is dear to him consumes away; surely every man is a mere breath. Selah pause, and calmly think of that. Here my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry; hold not your peace at my tears! For I am your passing guest, a temporary resident, as all my fathers were. O look away from me and spare me, that I may recover cheerfulness and encouraging strength and know gladness before I go and am no more!
I have been fighting my tracheal stenosis for a long time. I feel like I have been whacked in the head over and over again with no end in sight. I have tried to have a good attitude. It’s tough. At this point, my resolve has weakened and I’m getting worn out. Verse ten I have said many times to God “remove the stroke away from me; I am consumed by the blow of your hand.”
Friday afternoon I finally received the phone call I have been anxiously waiting for. The one for a consult with a thorax surgeon to see about getting a re-sectioning surgery done on my trachea. I have had 114 tracheal dilation’s and they have finally stopped working and the experiment with the Mitamyacin C drug did not work for me. I have been feeling defeated and rejected and abandoned. I feel like all I am doing is stewing in my apartment, being miserable, and not accomplishing anything in my life. I’m trying not to play the victim. I hate that mentality.
I’m breathing. I am appreciating the breathe of life.