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I’m Still Standing



Humility does not necessarily require me to agree and comply with everyone else’s position, but it does demand that I be willing to understand and respect the many sides of every issue. It does demand that I recognize that the positions of authority figures which are not in conflict with the will of God may also reflect the will of God for me. At the same time, it requires me to speak up for my own interpretation of what the will of God demands here and now. It take humility to understand that there are multiple approaches to every question. And in the end, it take humility to choose the path that is the straightest route to the will of God for me. Joan Chittister


As I write this I am feeling pain, pain where my port is located and pain in my feet. This week I had to have my stoma cauterized with silver nitrate because there was a granulation growing. Then of course I had my port surgery on Wednesday. Thankfully, with my port I didn’t have to be put under, they just figured out how I can and the RN can manipulate it so they could get the needles in. It hurt. I of course endure. I always endure. Pain is real. Pain makes me feel inadequate. Pain makes me feel tortured. Pain makes me feel abandoned. Pain makes me feel like a woman who is broken. This week has been about pain. Not emotional or mental pain, but the physical kind. Right now I am swollen from my face to my toes. My feet hurt even though they are numb. Despite all these things some good things have happened. I am choosing to focus on the things I enjoy instead of the pain my body is in.

I enjoyed a few dinners at my apartment with friends. One young man I am teaching how to cook. We have made some breakfast, lunches, and dinners. Then of course, a neighbor lady that I enjoy a lot has come by showing me her belly dancing costumes she is creating and drinking tea with me. Then my dearest best friend is coming with her wife to spend some quality time with me. Though I hurt, I have enjoy these moments. I somehow feel whole, complete, and it makes the pain bearable for a brief moment.

Another thing I am enjoying are the finds that I have found this week on the giveaway table. I found a huge, golden beveled mirror, a great picture with the words “I love you to the moon and back” written on the canvas, two great canvases of wine bottles, and a wonderful fan, air purifier, and heater combined that will be great for summer. I have redecorated my apartment without it costing me any money. I’m thankful.

I also finished a wonderful book by Joan Chittister called “Radical Spirit” that the above quote is from. I will be resting this weekend, because starting on Monday May 1st I will be starting my pain management rehabilitation program. 3 days a week to start and it might be more. I have been thinking a lot about goals. Normally I would list about a thousand goals and then not accomplish any of them. This time I am making 3 month long goals. For the first 3 months I have two goals. Goal 1: Complete the 12 weeks of pain management. Goal 2: 4 days a week enjoy vegetarian meal. I will be able to accomplish these two goals. Start small, right. That is my plan.

Be well my friends. Remember to breathe and enjoy the small moments. Until next week.

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