Being Real

September has been a tough month for me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I will not be able to complete several of my dreams to run or walk in marathons or bike a thons. My health, especially my breathing won’t allow me to walk long distances. It won’t change unless I get a tracheal transplant. I’m still contemplating if I even want to go that route. If I can’t handle or hack breathing well on my own I have two choice, a trach for the rest of my life or a tracheal transplant. Tracheal transplants are not normal and that would mean finding a doctor to do it. It’s a tough decision to make. What I realize is that I have been pushing myself too hard and dreaming way too big in wanting to walk long distances and achieve many of the things that many do not realize that they are blessed with. The beautiful ability to take oxygen in and breathing and doing it while doing a simple thing as walking to the bathroom is a huge task for me. I’ve been living with this hope for a long time that I want to be one of those people. Being able to breathe deeply and appreciatively while at the same time moving my body.

Just because I’m giving up my dreams of climbing Mount Olympia in Washington State or walking a marathon or riding a bike in a marathon doesn’t mean I am just going to give up completely. I realize that normal cardio, treadmill, walking, running, biking, and ETC is not in the cards for me. Strength training will be what I concentrate on. I don’t want my muscles to become atrophied. I can do short distances of walking like a couple of steps, but as for long stents that is not possible at this point in my life. It’s hard being real about my condition. I no longer can live in a fantasy that I am superwoman and I can do all things. That simply is not the truth. I can do more than I thought I could, but I also have to put limits on how much I am going to beat myself up over not being able to be normal with my movement. With this new insight, I’m rethinking my goals for October and how and when and where to get started again.