February 18th is a trigger day for me. My abuser died that day. I lived with my abuser for 10 years. I was his verbal punching bag, his physical punching bag, his cook, his cleaner, and his work horse. He was physically disabled and I loved him and I wanted to help him. His family abandoned him. I knew his version, I didn’t find out their version of him until just before he passed away. People said why don’t you just leave and all sorts of words that showed their misunderstanding of an abuse victim. It is not easy to leave an abuser. Leaving is brutally hard. I made a promise that I would stay with him until he passed. I kept my promise, although it nearly killed me. I have learned that good qualities can be detrimental too. I stayed until he passed and then I was free to heal. My healing from this brutal relationship was brutal and bloody. I am still healing. I am better than I was before. I am opening up about my abusive past because it is time to share my voice. It is time to release it, let it go, and allow myself to heal fully for it. Holding onto this pain is causing havoc on my body and my soul. I do not want to pass with this in my head and heart. I want those in my life to know in their bones and heart that I love them and I have not forgotten them. I am allowing myself to feel their love too.
I plan to share my journey of healing as I do my DBT classes and open up to my emotions and pain.
Be well!
Please wait...