Dear Doubt

(I colored a good portion of this while at OHSU and the rest when I got home)

I am home again. After a two week stay at OHSU. I experienced respiratory failure because my red blood cells were not getting any oxygen because I was not releasing the carbon dioxide. I was scared. I was afraid. I have experienced this three times, starting in April. I am tired of it, but don’t know what to do. I still don’t. Thankfully, I have people willing to help me through it. Thankfully, I thought a bit of ahead and packed a to go bag for hospital stay that I added color pencils, extra long phone charger. I just forgot the colorbook.  While there, I had my third lung dilation surgery. My right lung, the one not collapsed, is starting to show signs of doing what my left lung did. They recommend lung transplant. That means transferring to a specialist at the University of Washington Medical Center. I have been there before. When my trachea closing started. They are a good hospital and smart doctors and RN’s are there. 

I am still processing through the thought of a lung transplant. It is hard work. It takes up to 3 years to actually get the transplant. I have to get all sorts of tests done. I have to find two support people to live with me for three months up in the Seattle area while I am healing after the transplant. It is a huge list. For right now, my Rheumatologist and Pulmanologist Surgeon got together and I am now on steroids until I talk to my Rheumatolist on July 2. I hope I can reduce it to a lower dose. I am currently at 60MG. I am not a fan of steroids. I know why I have to take them. I just hate the side effects. I feel a sense of deja vu. My trachea did this same thing as my lungs are doing. My  rheumatologist and I will be discussing going back on some of the chemo medications I was on when I reached remission before. Now that I am getting IVG this will help me greatly. 

While talking to people in my life about a lung transplant. One person asked me if it was worth it. Is it worth it just for ten more years? I ignored the question and did not answer it. Not until I had time to think and consider that question. I wrote this in the middle of the night. I am calling it Dear Doubt. Because it wasn’t just the question, it is the all the doubts of my own mind. 

Dear Doubt,

Be quiet! Let me speak. Let me confront you. Let me stop you from spreading your fears, your reasons, your opinions Your information about me and what I am being shown by God Spirit is only for me to know and for you to watch. That is the beauty of a relationship with God. I have a different relationship with God than you do. I hear, I feel, I see, and I know inside my spirit and bones where I am to tread and where my energy needs to be. The voice, loud, drumming in my chest, throat, brain, and spirit lightens a path by people showing me how to help. I missed it, when my caregiver shared he dreamt about me getting a new lung three months ago. We both didn’t realize it would lead to me getting a transplant. I am thankful we have built a relationship where we can share. Yes, your doubt tells you to question everything. I agree you should, but you shouldn’t question so much where it stops you from following and doing something. Because sometimes the questions become a distraction and you get nothing done and you lose the opportunity. 

A lung transplant was never in my radar. I never thought about it. 

I have doubts about myself and my ability to fight. If I am strong enough to walk the slow, painful path again. Then I remember I did this before, several times. This may be bigger, but if I think about it. Every small time of digging out the bloody mire, I succeeded because God lead me through it. I had what I needed. This time I get to plan better. I get to set up before I get the surgery. Yes, it is going to be scary, tedious, bloody, ugly, and lonely. But doubt, remember I have done this many times. I am a warrior. I am not afraid to walk alone. I am not afraid to face the scalpel and the doubt monsters in my own heads and in my life. I am good at telling people to fuck off.  I am ready to fight.