I am sitting here. Trying to focus on something other than medical issues and emotional upheaval. The increase of my rapid blood sugars causing me great concern reminds me that I have been through this before. It’s been years. I did this when I first was diagnosed with Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis. What a mouth full, right? Prednisone drives me crazy. I get overheated, severe hunger, rising blood sugars, rapid heartbeat, and it assaults my sleep even more than my GPA or Rheumatoid arthritis does.
I have been on prednisone before. When I first began this process in 2009, I was on 60 MG. I was 35 years old and did not have a name for what was happening to my body. It took three years just to get a diagnosis. My symptoms made zero sense to the doctors. Finally, when I got to the University of Washington Medical Center in Seattle Washington I got a Diagnosis and a treatment plan. I reached remission. 4 years ago, when I had that nasty infection in my right leg I was taken off of all my medications. That is when my immune system got out of whack and started attacking my lungs as well as my trachea. I just recently got put back on Rituxan infusions, but none of the other medications I was taking. With my recent issues with my right lung now being attacked and facing a lung transplant I know I will be put back on harsh medications again. I am glad that I have learned to advocate for myself and fight the system of being heard. I live on government insurance and the clinics that take my insurance are overrun by people in poor health like me who don’t have the money for other types of insurance. I am guilty of being impatient and getting angry because it feels like I am not being heard. I finally got the help I will be needing. It took some time, but a chance to fix it is coming.
Living alone, stuck in your apartment all day, with no visitors, gets boring and lonely. I long to go outside, put my feet in the crash, hug a tree, feel the rumble of the waves on the sandy beaches, feel the wind on my skin. Dance in the rain in my wheel chair splashing like a duck. I want a reason to use my fancy digital camera again.
Right now, I am afraid to dream of breathing with a new lung. What would I do with a new lung? How would I live? Can I handle the brutal process of healing again? I have a lot of questions that I am working through. Talking to my counselor. I realize that I am stuck between two worlds. One where I am facing death head on and one where I am facing life. There is no clear answer. I am at the beginning. I am choosing to talk life into my life. Here is a verse that I have come across recently that reminds me that my tongue, the way I speak can speak life in my life and into others. Here is the verse in case you want to check it out for yourself:
Proverbs 18:21: Death and life are in control of the tongue. Those who indulge in it will eat its fruit.
If you speak death into your life or others then that is what will happen. If you speak life, then that will happen. I am choosing life. One step at a time. Failures and successes together.
Please wait...