Dear Pulmo

Words have been difficult this week. Yet, here I am writing. Last week, after walking to the bathroom sink and sitting to take care of my trach tube and wash my face (this is a huge deal I will explain in a bit), I received a phone call from my lung surgeon Dr. Carpio. He told me that the lung transplant people decided that because  GPA (Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis) is still active, I was not a good candidate for a lung transplant. I have begun the harsh treatments of prednisone and Azaptherine will be getting my Rituxan infusion next month. I am devastated. I am sad. I knew I had two options: No, they won’t do it or yes they will do it. I got the no. I still move forward though my heart and soul hurt. I am processing. Although, they told me no for now, it was not a never. I am moving forward as though I am getting a transplant. Something I wrote in my journal I would like to share:

Dear Pulmo,

You are in a lot of pain. I can feel the firecracker pressure in my chest. You have been suffocating for years. Slowly, the air has been stopping. The flow is sparse, you barely register on the machine. I have been angry. I have blamed you. I have been cruel to you in words, spirit, and emotions. I have called you a failure.  I have called you a reject. I have called you abandoned. I have called you unloved. I have called you stupid. I have called you fat and ugly. I have told you that you are not worth tits on a boar hog and you are not worth fighting for. 

Those are all lies. These lies came from people who have tried to beat you down. They were supposed to cherish, love, and respect you. They didn’t. 52 years, the strength you have shown has been outstanding. You have shown this strength by healing others by listening, helping, and fighting for those who are suffering like you have. This alone makes you enough, worthy, and worth fighting for. I love you Pulmo. I am going to protect you to the best of my abilities. I am going to speak only life, love, kindness, respect, and light into your being. I am doing the actions that follow with my words. I am worth fighting for. Pulmo is worth fighting for.